In my last post I gushed over you.
I oohed and aahed at how wonderful and supportive you are. I thanked you from the bottom of my heart for your many visits and likes and comments.
Basically I vomited hearts and flowers, and shat unicorns out my ass because you made me that happy.
Today, though, things changed a bit for me.
I still love you, and I am still grateful for your blog lovin’, but….please don’t take offense as I cautiously take a few steps backwards, and eye you more suspiciously.
You see, once again, I decided to have a look at my web analytics to see what search terms brought you little weirdos to my blog. And once again, you didn’t disappoint.
Top Ten Disturbing Search Terms (from the past 60 days):
You are a depraved and scary bunch.
10. “Best pad to prevent camel toe.” (I hope it was this woman. And I hope she got an answer, because this image is burned in my mind forever.)
This was 2′ from me.
9. “Does pure barre make you make vaginal noise?” (Sweet baby jeezus. Really??)
8. “Elliptical machine makes me cough.” (I used to think I was allergic to exercise too.)
7. “Selfie ass homemade” (These never end well.)
unintentional ass selfie
6. “Can pure barre affect your period?” (I don’t want to know.)
5. “Sweaty girls facebook.” (Mmm, give me some of that…)
4. “Ass huge hard 5 minutes.” (Huh?)
3. “Overhead panty peek pics.” (Ew. I need to go take a shower after reading this one.)
2. “Overcoming my fear of sweat.” (Sweat’s not so scary. Grow a pair, dude.)
1. “Spank the monkey nancy.” (Wow. Just wow.)
Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
Keep moving, ya sickos!
xoxo nancy
my year of sweat 
Ha, those are great. And if there truly is a workout that can make a huge arse hard in 5 minutes, be sure to share it!
Wouldn’t that be awesome Carrie??
I was at the Toronto Home Show yesterday, and they had a booth featuring those machines that jiggle your fat away. “10 mins = 1 hr workout!” <– is their claim.
Really? If this was true, wouldn't EVERYONE have one of these in their home???
Ah, if only it were true…
Hope spring eternal…
Nancy,
In my own defense, I was a follower long before your latest list of “strange” search terms. Makes me wonder what I have been reading on your blog? Did I miss something? You would not believe how many people look at my “Making A Rat Trap Extremely Deadly” each week. Talk about a bunch of psycho killers (this should create a new set of interesting search terms next time). Your welcome in advance. 😀
Patrick
Perfect, Patrick. Extremely deadly rat traps, ass selfies and camel toes.
You forgot psycho killers…
Oh crap. Thanks Patrick.
Hahahahaha!! I love crazy search terms, and man did you come through!!
I shudder to think who these people are. I can only imagine they are disappointed when they land on my page. 🙂
…at least I hope they’re disappointed!
hahahahaha! Yes, I’m sure they were disappointed when they actually landed on your page! It sounds awful to say, but it does make sense!
Those are awesome!! Mine are always too bland, I must need to amp up my tags or something 😉 love these though! and you seriously were 2 feet from that woman? I am cracking up trying to imagine you taking the picture without being obvious or did you say, “excuse me ma’am, do i have your permission to take a picture of your camel toe?” lol
I was literally that close, and fighting to hold back my laughter. It was an art show in Vegas. At the end of the day, I couldn’t hold it together enough to take the pic, so an artist friend of mine took it for me. I died.
Love it! I recently checked out the phrases on my site`s search engine and the weirdest by far was “can wrapping onions on feet with socks cause burns night“. Ya gotta love it!
Why would someone want to wrap onions on their feet???
Who are these people?? 🙂
I love the weirdness lol
Me too, Laurel. I howl when I read these! My husband knows I’m exploring search terms in analytics when he sees my face go from questioning/crinkled brow to horror to tears rolling down my cheeks laughing.
#1 is totally right though!
Sean, I may need to spank you for that.
Ha. Sorry.
I LOVE IT!! Must figure out how to use in post…
Seriously Sean? As IF you couldn’t figure out a way to fit a masturbation gif into one of your posts.
Hahaha. Do you know, I’d completely missed that and was honestly thinking of how I could work in a scenario where an acutal monkey was getting spanked!!
You are scaring me.
It’s 2.20 am… I’m tired…
Wow.
OMG….you are too funny. I’m not sure which had me choking on my margarita more; the camel toe or visions of unicorns…….
That camel toe still haunts my dreams. I’ve never been so close to one out in the wild.
Plus, YUM on the margarita. Good call, sista!
These always amuse me! I promise, it wasn’t me. 🙂
BB
Thank heavens BB.
OMG this is the best laugh I’ve had in ages and that golden camel toe is absolutely horrifying! My search terms run the gamut from very safe tulips, scenery and books to the truly frightening people who have a “thing” for animals. How they found me I’ll (hopefully) never know!
Oh GROSS! Thankfully I haven’t been tainted by the beastiality folk yet. Of course now that I typed that word… UGGHHHH.
Yeah, now that you’ve typed it look out. 😦 All it took on my page was the words “black dog”!
Eww.
p.s. Golden Camel Toe is my new favourite term. I will find a way to use it today, in my everyday life. 🙂
I can’t wait to hear how you worked it into casual conversation. 😉
Hahaha! I need to do a post like this. There are some UBER disturbing terms in my stats– not unlike your vaginal noises query!
Oh please do it, Aussa. If I am getting these on a health/fitness blog, I can only imagine what you’re getting.
Vaginal noises… [shakes head] WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hahahahah oh dear!!
I can’t help but feel mildly responsible for the spank the monkey one 😀
You are absolutely, positively responsible for the spank the monkey one, my dear. 🙂
Hehehehehee 😀
But that somebody typed into a browser “spank the monkey NANCY” <– That there creeps me out! 🙂
haha yes…I can see why it would!
I can only assume they are thinking of a different Nancy…
or maybe not….
hmmm
😉
Eww.
hahahaha
sorry….
maybe…
hahah 😀
I can’t believe you don’t get some whacky terms with all your crazy dance names that you cite in your posts!
I don’t get too many strange ones…the oddest are “Yoga Cows” and “Gothic Hula Hoop” and the most common seem to be references to exploding calves when running
Yoga cows and gothic hula hoops are pretty impressive search terms !
that is true 🙂
I also got “Joan of Arc Aerobics” which impressed me 🙂
Yes, I remember that one! That just reminded me of my old one, “Princess of Sweat”. 🙂
hahaha yes! I thought of that post too 😀
Aw, search term hilarity… Linda and I piss ourselves almost every day with what washes up on our blogs, though some of it is definitely more disturbing than funny 😉
Worse than ‘vaginal noises’?… 🙂
How about “skinny naked grandmas”…?
OMG. I love it!
And this is just in: granny pay porn
Oh. Em. Gee.
This just made my life!
I had to look up “camel toe.” Spit take! Though after that unbelievable picture, I had an inkling…
Bahahaha! I guess I forgot that camel toe is not a universally known term. The picture I shared is a remarkable specimen though.
Laughing like a nut from my little Starbucks perch. You’re killing me! Shitting a few unicorns you’re way. Ha! John
YES! I got a holy man to shit unicorns!!! My work here is done. [pats self on back and smiles smugly]
🙂
Hilarious!
Thanks Jess! (And scary!)
LOL! Oh gawd. What a collection! I daren’t even look at mine any more!!!
Oh man! You must have some doozies!!
Umm…glad you’re writing something for everyone?
That’s me, Miss Versatility. Camel toes, vaginal noises and monkey spanking in all my glory.
Oh my! You’d better go into hiding with those freaks peeping at you! I’m going to look at my search terms now. I may disappear off the face of the earth if they are as creepy as yours. 😯
If you find a good hiding spot, please let me know!! I’m still afraid to uncover my eyes.
today’s winning search term: “photo with my sweaty mummy” [shudders]
Ok. I’ve been back 3 months and the most interesting search term is “Tonopah NV brothels” which is hardly surprising as I posted a picture of one! I feel safe to go out in the open still. I think you need a disguise tho.
Good grief. Why me???
Because you are never given anything you can’t handle. Or some such twaddle.
Right, that must be it. 🙂
Not guilty! Funny & weird. My search terms are much more boring (like Victoria Falls a hundred times) or they are “encrypted” or “unknown”. I think that’s unfair…did you crack the code?
Nope, no code cracking here. I’d say 90% of the time it’s “unknown search terms” …but those other 10%… watch out! 🙂
Awesome post! I needed a few minutes of laughter today!!!
Happy to oblige! 🙂
Ahahahahaha LMAO! Good Lord! What’s up with the world! These are awesomely and weirdly hilarious.
Seriously!!! I really felt I needed a shower after writing that one !
Oh. My. Gawd. Those are freakin’ HYSTERICAL!!!! lololol I love it. I’m so excited you pointed me to this post…..obviously I’m freakin’ hugely behind in my reader….GAH.
Mine are pretty creepy BUT I totally covet your nudie resorts and big hairy balls.
Haha, I love these! I read several posts from others recently, not sure how I missed yours! My search terms are pretty boring, mostly motorcycle stuff, minimalist or travel packing references, but I did have a couple funny ones: ‘old person clipart’ and ‘batman sayings’. Pales compared to yours! 🙂
I swing between amused and horrified. 😉
LMAO. Where did you find those search terms? On my blog, all it has is the search engine that was used to find my blog, then it says ‘encrypted search terms”.
It’s mostly encrypted search terms, but – if you click on the “all time” tab – it will take you to the full list. There are some doozies in there. Some are too vile to share (even for me). Disturbing…
I don’t have many – since I’ve selected discourage search engines from my blog. Most of my search terms are recipes and weight loss terms. The majority are “unknown search terms”
ahh – I guess I didn’t do the “discourage” thing. Clearly not. 🙂 Still, the awesome and hilarious ones make the few REALLY creepy ones worth it. Sort of. 🙂
I enabled the ‘discourage search engines” because google image search on my username revealed my cookies to the masses. Now, the cookies are somewhat safe. 🙂
Ahh… that makes sense. I wouldn’t want my nekkid pics all over the place either. (Just in the hands of the people I intended to share them with. 🙂
Exactly. 🙂 It had taken 30 days for the google image search to finally remove the photos. That was probably my best month for weight loss. 😉
Spank me… OMG. The list is beautiful. .
Bahahahaha! Just go to the search box on my main blog page and type in “search terms” and you’ll get a list of all the posts I’ve made about this stupidness. 🙂
I will do that. Really, thank you.
You are twisted. I love it.
I’m totally twirly and twisty. Thank you again for everything. x