with friends like these though…

In my last post I gushed over you.

I oohed and aahed at how wonderful and supportive you are. I thanked you from the bottom of my heart for your many visits and likes and comments.

Basically I vomited hearts and flowers, and shat unicorns out my ass because you made me that happy.

Today, though, things changed a bit for me.

I still love you, and I am still grateful for your blog lovin’, but….please don’t take offense as I cautiously take a few steps backwards, and eye you more suspiciously.

You see, once again, I decided to have a look at my web analytics to see what search terms brought you little weirdos to my blog. And once again, you didn’t disappoint.

Top Ten Disturbing Search Terms (from the past 60 days):

You are a depraved and scary bunch.

10. “Best pad to prevent camel toe.”  (I hope it was this woman. And I hope she got an answer, because this image is burned in my mind forever.)

This was 2' from me.

This was 2′ from me.

9. “Does pure barre make you make vaginal noise?” (Sweet baby jeezus. Really??)

8. “Elliptical machine makes me cough.” (I used to think I was allergic to exercise too.)

7. “Selfie ass homemade”  (These never end well.)

unintentional ass selfie

unintentional ass selfie

6. “Can pure barre affect your period?” (I don’t want to know.)

5. “Sweaty girls facebook.” (Mmm, give me some of that…)

4. “Ass huge hard 5 minutes.” (Huh?)

3. “Overhead panty peek pics.” (Ew. I need to go take a shower after reading this one.)

yuck

2. “Overcoming my fear of sweat.” (Sweat’s not so scary. Grow a pair, dude.)

1. “Spank the monkey nancy.” (Wow. Just wow.)

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Keep moving, ya sickos!

xoxo nancy

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97 thoughts on “with friends like these though…

  1. Nancy,

    In my own defense, I was a follower long before your latest list of “strange” search terms. Makes me wonder what I have been reading on your blog? Did I miss something? You would not believe how many people look at my “Making A Rat Trap Extremely Deadly” each week. Talk about a bunch of psycho killers (this should create a new set of interesting search terms next time). Your welcome in advance. 😀

    Patrick

  2. Those are awesome!! Mine are always too bland, I must need to amp up my tags or something 😉 love these though! and you seriously were 2 feet from that woman? I am cracking up trying to imagine you taking the picture without being obvious or did you say, “excuse me ma’am, do i have your permission to take a picture of your camel toe?” lol

    • I was literally that close, and fighting to hold back my laughter. It was an art show in Vegas. At the end of the day, I couldn’t hold it together enough to take the pic, so an artist friend of mine took it for me. I died.

  3. Love it! I recently checked out the phrases on my site`s search engine and the weirdest by far was “can wrapping onions on feet with socks cause burns night“. Ya gotta love it!

  4. OMG this is the best laugh I’ve had in ages and that golden camel toe is absolutely horrifying! My search terms run the gamut from very safe tulips, scenery and books to the truly frightening people who have a “thing” for animals. How they found me I’ll (hopefully) never know!

    • Oh please do it, Aussa. If I am getting these on a health/fitness blog, I can only imagine what you’re getting.
      Vaginal noises… [shakes head] WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

  5. Laughing like a nut from my little Starbucks perch. You’re killing me! Shitting a few unicorns you’re way. Ha! John

  6. Oh my! You’d better go into hiding with those freaks peeping at you! I’m going to look at my search terms now. I may disappear off the face of the earth if they are as creepy as yours. 😯

  7. Not guilty! Funny & weird. My search terms are much more boring (like Victoria Falls a hundred times) or they are “encrypted” or “unknown”. I think that’s unfair…did you crack the code?

  8. Oh. My. Gawd. Those are freakin’ HYSTERICAL!!!! lololol I love it. I’m so excited you pointed me to this post…..obviously I’m freakin’ hugely behind in my reader….GAH.

  9. Haha, I love these! I read several posts from others recently, not sure how I missed yours! My search terms are pretty boring, mostly motorcycle stuff, minimalist or travel packing references, but I did have a couple funny ones: ‘old person clipart’ and ‘batman sayings’. Pales compared to yours! 🙂

    • It’s mostly encrypted search terms, but – if you click on the “all time” tab – it will take you to the full list. There are some doozies in there. Some are too vile to share (even for me). Disturbing…

      • I don’t have many – since I’ve selected discourage search engines from my blog. Most of my search terms are recipes and weight loss terms. The majority are “unknown search terms”

      • ahh – I guess I didn’t do the “discourage” thing. Clearly not. 🙂 Still, the awesome and hilarious ones make the few REALLY creepy ones worth it. Sort of. 🙂

      • I enabled the ‘discourage search engines” because google image search on my username revealed my cookies to the masses. Now, the cookies are somewhat safe. 🙂

      • Ahh… that makes sense. I wouldn’t want my nekkid pics all over the place either. (Just in the hands of the people I intended to share them with. 🙂

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