My insides were very, very dirty. That’s the only explanation I can come up with to justify why I felt compelled to try my latest HEALTHY!, AWESOME! GOOD-FOR-YOU! new thing, because we all know how well those turn out for me.
Last Monday, the day before I was to take the first of 4 flights in 3 consecutive days, I took on the “1-Day Advanced Cleanse”, courtesy of Nekter Juice Bar.
The Classic cleanse was clearly designed for beginners. And although I am clearly a beginner, defying all logic, I chose the Advanced version.
Here’s what Nekter had to say about this option [something I failed to read until AFTER buying the product]:
This cleanse was designed as a more intense cleanse for those that have mastered the Classic and are looking for a slightly deeper cleansing process. In place of two of our other drinks; we have added a drink with beets to help clean your blood and a ginger lemonade to help extract more toxins.
Hours later, whilst drinking the beet-based juice, I would come to deeply regret not having read the above descriptor prior to making this purchase.
The following is recap of how my day went.
The first juice of the day, aptly named Juice 1, was described as “a blend of delicious vegetables like kale and spinach with a refreshing kick of cucumber, apple and mint.” The color was off-putting, and my body craved coffee, but the taste was actually quite pleasant, so no complaints.
Next up was, you guessed it, #2. Nekter described it as, “Ginger Lemonade: It works to clear out those toxins that have been lurking in your body. Fresh lemons work as an antiseptic for your body and ginger aids digestion, circulation, and helps reduce inflammation.” The taste was fine, but hello, I’m getting hungry. Harrumphh.
Halfway through [and getting hungrier], “This alkalizing green blend features the Mean Greens: spinach, kale, and parsley. We’ve added lemons as a natural antiseptic to help zap the toxins. This blend will help detoxify and stimulate the antibodies.” Holy shit! And I do mean S-H-I-T. The faucets turned on, and the cleansing began. Good thing there are roughly only 20 steps between my home office and the toilet.
Are we there yet? Evidently not. Nekter advised, “Meet Skinny Lemonade. We’ve blended lemons and cayenne pepper, a little sweet and a little spicy, to give you a refreshing, but very important drink. The cayenne helps bring blood to the surface and allows those toxins to easily leave your body. A NEW you is just around the corner.” I hate NEW me. New me is HUNGRY. And CRANKY. New me wants to punch old me in the face for doing this stupid cleanse.
It was 7pm, and I was ready to gnaw my own arm off. Nekter promised, “You’re almost there! This alkalizing blend sports a vibrant juice color because we added beets. This drink takes your detoxification further, cleaning your blood and renewing it with minerals. You are an advanced cleanser now!” Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt. IT EXPLODED. Thankfully I had finished up working, and was settled in on the sofa, a mere 10 steps from the toilet. And still… still… I BARELY made it. You know that moment, as you’re pulling your pants down, and praying your sphincter stays closed long enough to get them out of the line of fire? Oh, you don’t? THEN TRY JUICE #5. You’ll get to know that feeling very well. Trust.
“You made it! Your very last drink. We like to refer to it as dessert because it is sweetly flavored with vanilla beans that have anti-nausea and calming properties. Plenty of protein and minerals that aid the lymphatic system in waste elimination make this a perfect, last drink. Congratulations on a successful Cleanse! We hope you feel great!” Worst. Dessert. Ever. And no, I don’t feel great. I feel like shit. Except that there’s literally no shit left in my body.
I suppose it’s called a cleanse for a reason.
So… mission accomplished, Nekter, mission definitely accomplished.