My insides were very, very dirty. That’s the only explanation I can come up with to justify why I felt compelled to try my latest HEALTHY!, AWESOME! GOOD-FOR-YOU! new thing, because we all know how well those turn out for me.
Last Monday, the day before I was to take the first of 4 flights in 3 consecutive days, I took on the “1-Day Advanced Cleanse”, courtesy of Nekter Juice Bar.
The Classic cleanse was clearly designed for beginners. And although I am clearly a beginner, defying all logic, I chose the Advanced version.
Here’s what Nekter had to say about this option [something I failed to read until AFTER buying the product]:
This cleanse was designed as a more intense cleanse for those that have mastered the Classic and are looking for a slightly deeper cleansing process. In place of two of our other drinks; we have added a drink with beets to help clean your blood and a ginger lemonade to help extract more toxins.
Hours later, whilst drinking the beet-based juice, I would come to deeply regret not having read the above descriptor prior to making this purchase.
The following is recap of how my day went.
Drink #1
The first juice of the day, aptly named Juice 1, was described as “a blend of delicious vegetables like kale and spinach with a refreshing kick of cucumber, apple and mint.” The color was off-putting, and my body craved coffee, but the taste was actually quite pleasant, so no complaints.
Drink #2
Next up was, you guessed it, #2. Nekter described it as, “Ginger Lemonade: It works to clear out those toxins that have been lurking in your body. Fresh lemons work as an antiseptic for your body and ginger aids digestion, circulation, and helps reduce inflammation.” The taste was fine, but hello, I’m getting hungry. Harrumphh.
Drink #3
Halfway through [and getting hungrier], “This alkalizing green blend features the Mean Greens: spinach, kale, and parsley. We’ve added lemons as a natural antiseptic to help zap the toxins. This blend will help detoxify and stimulate the antibodies.” Holy shit! And I do mean S-H-I-T. The faucets turned on, and the cleansing began. Good thing there are roughly only 20 steps between my home office and the toilet.
Drink #4
Are we there yet? Evidently not. Nekter advised, “Meet Skinny Lemonade. We’ve blended lemons and cayenne pepper, a little sweet and a little spicy, to give you a refreshing, but very important drink. The cayenne helps bring blood to the surface and allows those toxins to easily leave your body. A NEW you is just around the corner.” I hate NEW me. New me is HUNGRY. And CRANKY. New me wants to punch old me in the face for doing this stupid cleanse.
Drink #5
It was 7pm, and I was ready to gnaw my own arm off. Nekter promised, “You’re almost there! This alkalizing blend sports a vibrant juice color because we added beets. This drink takes your detoxification further, cleaning your blood and renewing it with minerals. You are an advanced cleanser now!” Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt. IT EXPLODED. Thankfully I had finished up working, and was settled in on the sofa, a mere 10 steps from the toilet. And still… still… I BARELY made it. You know that moment, as you’re pulling your pants down, and praying your sphincter stays closed long enough to get them out of the line of fire? Oh, you don’t? THEN TRY JUICE #5. You’ll get to know that feeling very well. Trust.
Drink #6
“You made it! Your very last drink. We like to refer to it as dessert because it is sweetly flavored with vanilla beans that have anti-nausea and calming properties. Plenty of protein and minerals that aid the lymphatic system in waste elimination make this a perfect, last drink. Congratulations on a successful Cleanse! We hope you feel great!” Worst. Dessert. Ever. And no, I don’t feel great. I feel like shit. Except that there’s literally no shit left in my body.
I suppose it’s called a cleanse for a reason.
So… mission accomplished, Nekter, mission definitely accomplished.
Keep moving,
xoxo nancy
The closest I’ve come to a master cleanse was having life-threatening food poisoning, which sounds a lot like what you described above (plus vomiting). Except, I felt AWESOME when I got better. Like, the healthiest (cleanest) I’ve ever felt in my life. I wonder why a cleanse wouldn’t have the same effect?
Oh, I was fine the next day, when I got some solid food in me. 🙂
I think it was the combination of tons of stress, tons of work, tons of travel (10 flights in 17 days) and tons of physical exertion: mountain climbing the previous 4 days pre-cleanse. My body just needed more nourishment that 6 bottles of juice, I think. 🙂
Oh dear….sounds like a new way to prepare for a colonoscopy! No thank you!
Yep, just about the same level of cleanliness, I’d say. 🙂
Oh Nancy, will you never learn? 😉
Clearly, I don’t.
On a positive note, my colon is clean as a whistle.
I think my colon is happy as it is 😉
Hubby kept asking if we could take advantage of the situation with some “other” bedroom activity. I nearly ripped his face off. Bad time to request sexy time: when you’re wife is starving AND has an exploding ass.
I wouldn’t have wanted to get anywhere near you – he’s a brave man 😉
He waited until things were all cleaned out to ask. My mood hadn’t improved in the least.
Reminds me of when you gave up bread – that didn’t go well either 😉
Nope. Generally I don’t do well with deprivation of any sort. 🙂
At least your hubster wasn’t trying to deprive you of sex 😉
Ha! Nope, can’t say he’s ever into that variety of diet. 🙂
Bitch 😉
Heh. 🙂
I was just going to ask her: WHY?!
Detoxification requires specific enzymes, whose synthesis requires protein. Juices are devoid of protein. All that happens during a juice detox is that toxins are being dumped in your bloodstream without the body being able to eliminate them fast enough. This puts even more stress on your body than if you’d just left them safely tucked away in your fat deposits. A proper detox diet needs much more than just bloody juice.
Phew. Now I need chocolate.
On the plus side, my colon has never been cleaner. 🙂
Is that what your hubby told you…? He may be biassed…
He didn’t get anywhere near it, Simone, but I can vouch for the fact that that puppy was empty, empty.
I… believe you…
I like that you know stuff 🙂
That was my job once… seems like a lifetime ago…
Seems your job is just arse-kicking now 🙂
And for that you need plenty of coffee and cake. Which I make sure I’m getting. Daily.
Good for you 🙂 Pretty sure a lot of this “health” stuff is utter nonsense, but your scientific explanation sounds much more convincing 😉
Bahahaha! I just replied to the previous comment about your job and mentioned your cake-centricity. 🙂
And I stand by it 🙂
And now you eat cakes and sausage. The pendulum has swung quite a ways over. 😛
Life’s too short to spend on agitating colons. Or husbands.
True on both counts.
the sad part is: I know that stuff too, and yet… still, I did it.
Nancy Nutter 🙂
Sad, but true.
Thankfully – a voice of reason in a fog of juice an poo.
Yes, let’s all escape the juice poo fog and eat cake.
Cake. Sausage. TWO reasons. There.
Wow, this cleanse really packed a punch to the gut, eh? And yes, it does sound like you had a colonoscopy prep. I think that big gallon drink is called GoLitely, but it really should be called Go Heavily and Go Often.
Poor Nancy. Hope you can sit comfortably again.
Well, it’s not like I had to fly every day for the next three days or anything. Er… um… except I kinda did.
Your testimonial is way different than the ones on the website. Ha!
Imagine that. 🙂 Don’t think they’d be selling much with reviews like mine.
Haha Nance! Live and learn I guess – sounds like that advanced version really did a number on you!
It cleansed me, alright.
Sounds like it! And I agree with your other readers… you’re ready for a colonoscopy!
Or some frisky bedroom activity. SNORT!
Why do you take my innocent mind to these places??
Methinks there’s not too much arm twisting going on.
Ha! Yes, you bring out the worst of the best in me I suppose… or maybe that’s the other way around! lol Only on your blog!
Sista, you ain’t seen nothin’! If this blog was anonymous, I’d be letting ‘er rip in a way that would make your toes curl. 😉
Sounds like you need more cleansing than just your bowels then! Start that blog and let it rip! You’ve already got a head start!
I keep threatening to. I wish I had more time, Kelly.
Well if you do, don’t tell me and just follow me and see if I can figure out that it’s you… there’s an interesting proposition for you!
Oh, I could never tell anyone. The stories are that off-color. 🙂
Well then I would have to be undercover to even follow you… couldn’t place my innocent face on such wicked things you know
Yep, these are the perils of not using a nom de plume. Sigh.
Didn’t know any better… but with what I know now, I really should do the same thing… all in the name of stress relief of course… you will have to excuse me now because the timer just went off on my apple pie
Yep, same-sies. When I first started the blog it was about exercise and all things healthy. Also, I never thought more than 10 people would read it. And, last but not least, I was no longer Ms Corporate-Pants. Now that all 3 of those things are no longer true, and I’m not anonymous, I need to censor myself. 😦
Probably best… for both of us…starting now… ! xoxo
You should have had a colonoscopy while you were at it … all the prep work had been done! Silly, silly girl 😉
Seriously. I was squeaky clean.
According to your experience, that stuff would be a good substitute for the gallon of liquid one has to drink before a colonoscopy. It is like a river running out of one’s rear. No leaving the commode.
This started out as intermittent visits to the commode, but after beet juice hit the ol’ system, I was spending much quality time with my toilet.
I have never understood why some people like to spend time reading in the loo. Most uncomfortable place I can find to sit. I’ll skip on the cleansing nectar too.
Good call, Pat, good call indeed.
That’s what I like about your blog, Nancy. You are on the cutting edge of physical fitness and share the results. All I have to do is read and check it off my list. 🙂
You’re welcome. 🙂
You warned me, but I read it anyway 🙂
I’m pretty sure I’d end up in jail if I tried a juice cleanse. I’m cranky if I miss my 10:00 snack.
Thank you for the riotous laugh, Nancy. You give good word 😉
I almost assassinated a coworker during a conference call. If thought bubbles could kill, that poor bastard would be a goner.
Teleconference calls are a minefield anyway 🙂
Thank God for the mute button.
Well, you know me, I roll my eyes at these cleanses. But I enjoy reading about your experiences when you try these types of things. It’s like free entertainment for me. I just grab my popcorn and enjoy the show. (Well, not the literal show. That would be weird and kind of gross…)
SO gross, Carrie. I was even grossing myself out with the sounds and smells coming out of me.
You should’ve just scheduled a screening colonoscopy. Seeing as how you were already prepped and ready.
I totally should have. That way at i would have got at least some value from that nonsense.
bahahaha I love a new post from you and especially one where you go on these taxing adventures that turn out to be you starving yourself and getting cranky. Unpleasant experience but makes for enjoyable reading. At least you only chose the 1 day version. Better than a 5 day juice joke. I mean fast. xx
5 days??? If I had carried this nonsense on until 10 a.m. the next day I would have assassinated people. I got to the airport at 6am, made my way through security and had a Starbucks Flat White in one hand and a banana pecan muffin in the other by 6:30. 🙂
How are YOU doing, lovely?
Nom nom. I’m doing OK. VERY anxious week though. But I will be fine 🙂 Post to come today after my next beta comes in. Xx
Sending all the good vibes your way. xoxo
Night night! Keep your butthole tight!
🙂
That about summed it up last week, for sure.
O.M.G. Is it wrong to want to try the beginner version now…
Yes. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Stay away.
Actually, some of the juices tasted really good, and I think they’d make a great snack/meal replacement if it’s convenient to get your hands on one. I just don’t love the idea of doing a 1, 3 or 5 day all-juice cleanse. That’s just cruel. 🙂
I’m not curious enough for cruel – staying away now. 🙂
Seriously – I think it’s not a bad thing to go all juice (or all anything natural /unprocessed) for a day or two. Maybe just don’t do it when you’re midway through a crazy travel month and also taking on big physical exertion (hiking the 5 days prior…) 🙂
I’ve done a 3 day smoothie/juice cleanse that went better than expected and I actually still make one of the recipes for lunch when I can. I guess “all things in moderation” is a good guideline. 🙂
Definitely.
Nancy! Step away from shiney enticing looking juice bars and remember…
If there are toxins in your body that you kidneys can’t deal with…you have bigger problems than are going to be solved by juice!!!
I hate to point out the similarity with people who take laxatives for the same effect
Mind you…after my recent no carb I am going to kill people week I can’t really talk…
Hahaha! Yes, remember my year-long carb-shun that resulted in my former boss acosting me with a bagel? It’s just plain dangerous to keep a woman from her bread products. 🙂
Hahaha yes!!
I think a year of me not eating carbs would result in possible apocalypse!!
If I could find the energy to wield a weapon that is!!
Who needs weapons when looks (and words) can kill. And mine can. 🙂 🙂 🙂
p.s. I have EXCITING news to share…soon! I’m doing a BIG, BIG thing in October.
Hehehe mine too 😀
they don’t call me Ol’ Bitchy Resting Face for no reason. 🙂
Hehehehe I am with you on that one 🙂
Ooooooh!! Big big thing!?!?!? I am very intrigued!!!
BIG BIG thing! 🙂 Call it a do-over, of sorts. 🙂
Ooooooh!! Oooooooooohhhh!! 😀 😀
I wish you were closer so you could do it too…
Me too!!! (If I have guessed right!)
You probably have! :0)
😀 I am excited for you! I have been looking for uk versions!
Or…just come over!!!
I’d love to!!!
(Secret… We are considering a trip to that Canada next year)
YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!
But…this is actually 3 weeks from now. And in Utah. 🙂
Yes, I probably won’t make it over by then…
Boo! 😦
I know 😦
I am now resisting the temptation to look for last minute tickets…
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I am sooooo tempted!!
Do it! 🙂 http://www.movara.com
Oooh it looks so good!! I will look properly tomorrow, but I probably shouldn’t! 😉
But you should, you most certainly should!! 🙂 Note: the British Pound is worth SO MUCH MORE than a USD$, so it would be practically free for you. 🙂
Hahahahaa!! Nothing like a good cleanse 😉
Bahahaha… go check out my comment on your blog post, which I mistakenly thought was a comment on this blog post. 🙂
hahahahahahahahahaaha! That’s greatness, and of all the things I’ve done, I have never been tempted to do a cleanse #becausefood. LOL. But, I’m gonna tag you on Twitter, cause I’m doing #unprocessed October 😀
I’m doing something massive in October, Kate… will announce it soon. 🙂
I’m still not convinced this isn’t a ploy by Big Juice to sell more beet juice.
Also, they’re obviously in cahoots with the powerful goons at Big Toilet Paper.
Guap, if I had any liquid shit left inside me, I would have exploded it all over my chair reading this comment.
You win – best comment ever!
I will be printing your comment and adding it to the list of references I give with my resume.
Truly, this sums me up best! 😉
😀 😀 😀
I’m buying it! You sold me on the poop explosion
Hey, who am I to stand between a girl and her dreams? Enjoy!
I love the detail of Hubby deciding it was time to get jiggy. Men have an uncanny ability to hot up right when you feel most miserable, grotty, unkempt and irritable.
I’ve had to undergo a colonoscopy every 5 years since age 30. So I have zero interest in internal “cleansing” of any kind. But I do love a kale smoothie from The Green Symphony in NYC!
That’s the thing, Linnet. The 2 green juices I had that day were actually very tasty. I would totally drink them again. It was the fact that all I had to “eat” that day was 6 bottles of juice that was the problem.
Juice as a snack = yes.
Juice as breakfast, lunch, dinner and all snacks = no.
Hilarious, Nancy. Thank you for providing a valuable service and saving us from going through so much ourselves! I hope you’re feeling better by now! Xoxo
I was feeling better the minute I put solid food in my mouth early the next morning at the Vegas airport, en route to Vancouver. 🙂
p.s. I’m headed to ATL on Tues Oct 13th – there until morning of Fri Oct 16th. If you’re around, it would be great to catch up. I’ll be staying in Midtown, but won’t have a car this time. I can Uber to wherever though. 🙂
Oh yes, food! I haven’t done liquid only since my colonoscopy in hmmm…2010?
Hey, we get back from our next trip on the 12th, so this time should work, yay! Looking at the calendar, however, the 14th is the only night that will work, is that ok? I don’t have anyplace I am dying to go in Midtown or Buckhead, so if you do, let me know. I will also ask around before then! 🙂
I’m just waiting on confirmation as to when my new employee is arriving. I’ll do dinner with him, but if I can work around the 14th, I absolutely will.
From memory, I recall a really quaint spot called Wisteria -which I believe is in midtown, but could be Buckhead.
Ok, just let me know when you are able to confirm you’re free on the 14th…saw the other comment first!
Will do. My new hire is an import from the U.K., so I’m awaiting his visit with the US consulate on Friday to determine what date he can officially enter the U.S. as an eligible worker. I’ll let you know about the 14th by end of next week at the latest.
Great!
It’s actually in neither midtown nor Buckhead; rather Inman Park. http://www.wisteria-atlanta.com/ I’ve always had good meals there.
My other usual go-to, back in the day, was One Midtown Kitchen: http://www.onemidtownkitchen.com/p/menus.html This one has a more eclectic menu and a decidedly hipper vibe. 🙂
One Midtown Kitchen sounds cool, let’s do that!
Thanks Nancy for this very eloquently and enjoyably worded warning! I’m definitely not going to walk in your foot steps. But I can try to drink more fresh lemon juice and add a dash of cayenne pepper 🙂
Good call, Tiny, good call.
I’m due for another colonoscopy, the last one being over five years ago. Sounds like you could’ve gotten scoped after such a turbo experience. The late comedian John Pinette has a hilarious cleanse bit on YouTube. Hope all is well with you. Peace, John
I was most definitely perfectly prepped for a colonoscopy, John. Wasted opportunity.
This posts just brought my intense hatred of juice cleanses rushing back to my consciousness. Never again 🙂
You and me both, sister.
Hello, Birthday Girl!!! I hope you get to do some fun things today and during the weekend! Lot’s of eating and drinking, I hope. And when I say drinking I don’t mean juices! This was hilarious but reminds me too much of my colonoscopy prep! Was it worth it? Would you do it again?
You’re a brave woman to try it and even braver to share the experience.
Brave, stupid… tomato, tomahto. 🙂
Nooooooo. This frightens me. I like food too much. I tried to do the Master Cleanse/Lemonade Diet several times when I was like 19/20 years old. Ridiculous and horrible.
That one is THE WORST, Aussa, because it’s just that same lemon, water, cayenne pepper bullshit all day, every day. At least this one had different colors and flavors, disturbing as some of them were.
from one fit gal to another – I have been enjoying your bog!! 🙂 🙂
Aw, thanks, girl! I’ve been a bad, bad blogger lately. Hope to get back to it soon. Will make sure to check yours out too!
thank you! I’m new to the game but the response has been great so far. I’m on the lookout for more health/fitness blogs to follow. Still in the midst of my own journey (probably always will be right?!) so if you know of any others that I should check out let me know. Helps to keep me motivated and I love being a part of that community