me… dirty? not anymore, i’m not.

My insides were very, very dirty. That’s the only explanation I can come up with to justify why I felt compelled to try my latest HEALTHY!, AWESOME! GOOD-FOR-YOU! new thing, because we all know how well those turn out for me.

Last Monday, the day before I was to take the first of 4 flights in 3 consecutive days, I took on the “1-Day Advanced Cleanse”, courtesy of Nekter Juice Bar.

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The Classic cleanse was clearly designed for beginners. And although I am clearly a beginner, defying all logic, I chose the Advanced version.

Here’s what Nekter had to say about this option [something I failed to read until AFTER buying the product]:

This cleanse was designed as a more intense cleanse for those that have mastered the Classic and are looking for a slightly deeper cleansing process. In place of two of our other drinks; we have added a drink with beets to help clean your blood and a ginger lemonade to help extract more toxins.

Hours later, whilst drinking the beet-based juice, I would come to deeply regret not having read the above descriptor prior to making this purchase.

The following is recap of how my day went.

Drink #1
The first juice of the day, aptly named Juice 1, was described as “a blend of delicious vegetables like kale and spinach with a refreshing kick of cucumber, apple and mint.” The color was off-putting, and my body craved coffee, but the taste was actually quite pleasant, so no complaints.

Drink #2
Next up was, you guessed it, #2. Nekter described it as, “Ginger Lemonade: It works to clear out those toxins that have been lurking in your body. Fresh lemons work as an antiseptic for your body and ginger aids digestion, circulation, and helps reduce inflammation.” The taste was fine, but hello, I’m getting hungry. Harrumphh.

Drink #3
Halfway through [and getting hungrier], “This alkalizing green blend features the Mean Greens: spinach, kale, and parsley. We’ve added lemons as a natural antiseptic to help zap the toxins. This blend will help detoxify and stimulate the antibodies.” Holy shit! And I do mean S-H-I-T. The faucets turned on, and the cleansing began. Good thing there are roughly only 20 steps between my home office and the toilet.

Drink #4
Are we there yet? Evidently not. Nekter advised, “Meet Skinny Lemonade. We’ve blended lemons and cayenne pepper, a little sweet and a little spicy, to give you a refreshing, but very important drink. The cayenne helps bring blood to the surface and allows those toxins to easily leave your body. A NEW you is just around the corner.I hate NEW me. New me is HUNGRY. And CRANKY. New me wants to punch old me in the face for doing this stupid cleanse.

Drink #5
It was 7pm, and I was ready to gnaw my own arm off. Nekter promised, “You’re almost there! This alkalizing blend sports a vibrant juice color because we added beets. This drink takes your detoxification further, cleaning your blood and renewing it with minerals. You are an advanced cleanser now!” Oh. My. God. Becky. Look at her butt. IT EXPLODED. Thankfully I had finished up working, and was settled in on the sofa, a mere 10 steps from the toilet. And still… still… I BARELY made it. You know that moment, as you’re pulling your pants down, and praying your sphincter stays closed long enough to get them out of the line of fire? Oh, you don’t? THEN TRY JUICE #5. You’ll get to know that feeling very well. Trust.

Drink #6
You made it! Your very last drink. We like to refer to it as dessert because it is sweetly flavored with vanilla beans that have anti-nausea and calming properties. Plenty of protein and minerals that aid the lymphatic system in waste elimination make this a perfect, last drink. Congratulations on a successful Cleanse! We hope you feel great!”  Worst. Dessert. Ever. And no, I don’t feel great. I feel like shit. Except that there’s literally no shit left in my body.

I suppose it’s called a cleanse for a reason.

So… mission accomplished, Nekter, mission definitely accomplished.

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Keep moving,

xoxo nancy

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146 thoughts on “me… dirty? not anymore, i’m not.

  1. The closest I’ve come to a master cleanse was having life-threatening food poisoning, which sounds a lot like what you described above (plus vomiting). Except, I felt AWESOME when I got better. Like, the healthiest (cleanest) I’ve ever felt in my life. I wonder why a cleanse wouldn’t have the same effect?

    • Oh, I was fine the next day, when I got some solid food in me. 🙂

      I think it was the combination of tons of stress, tons of work, tons of travel (10 flights in 17 days) and tons of physical exertion: mountain climbing the previous 4 days pre-cleanse. My body just needed more nourishment that 6 bottles of juice, I think. 🙂

  2. Wow, this cleanse really packed a punch to the gut, eh? And yes, it does sound like you had a colonoscopy prep. I think that big gallon drink is called GoLitely, but it really should be called Go Heavily and Go Often.
    Poor Nancy. Hope you can sit comfortably again.

  3. According to your experience, that stuff would be a good substitute for the gallon of liquid one has to drink before a colonoscopy. It is like a river running out of one’s rear. No leaving the commode.

  4. You warned me, but I read it anyway 🙂
    I’m pretty sure I’d end up in jail if I tried a juice cleanse. I’m cranky if I miss my 10:00 snack.
    Thank you for the riotous laugh, Nancy. You give good word 😉

  5. Well, you know me, I roll my eyes at these cleanses. But I enjoy reading about your experiences when you try these types of things. It’s like free entertainment for me. I just grab my popcorn and enjoy the show. (Well, not the literal show. That would be weird and kind of gross…)

  6. bahahaha I love a new post from you and especially one where you go on these taxing adventures that turn out to be you starving yourself and getting cranky. Unpleasant experience but makes for enjoyable reading. At least you only chose the 1 day version. Better than a 5 day juice joke. I mean fast. xx

  7. Nancy! Step away from shiney enticing looking juice bars and remember…
    If there are toxins in your body that you kidneys can’t deal with…you have bigger problems than are going to be solved by juice!!!
    I hate to point out the similarity with people who take laxatives for the same effect :-/
    Mind you…after my recent no carb I am going to kill people week I can’t really talk…

  8. I love the detail of Hubby deciding it was time to get jiggy. Men have an uncanny ability to hot up right when you feel most miserable, grotty, unkempt and irritable.
    I’ve had to undergo a colonoscopy every 5 years since age 30. So I have zero interest in internal “cleansing” of any kind. But I do love a kale smoothie from The Green Symphony in NYC!

    • That’s the thing, Linnet. The 2 green juices I had that day were actually very tasty. I would totally drink them again. It was the fact that all I had to “eat” that day was 6 bottles of juice that was the problem.

      Juice as a snack = yes.
      Juice as breakfast, lunch, dinner and all snacks = no.

    • I was feeling better the minute I put solid food in my mouth early the next morning at the Vegas airport, en route to Vancouver. 🙂

      p.s. I’m headed to ATL on Tues Oct 13th – there until morning of Fri Oct 16th. If you’re around, it would be great to catch up. I’ll be staying in Midtown, but won’t have a car this time. I can Uber to wherever though. 🙂

  9. Thanks Nancy for this very eloquently and enjoyably worded warning! I’m definitely not going to walk in your foot steps. But I can try to drink more fresh lemon juice and add a dash of cayenne pepper 🙂

  10. I’m due for another colonoscopy, the last one being over five years ago. Sounds like you could’ve gotten scoped after such a turbo experience. The late comedian John Pinette has a hilarious cleanse bit on YouTube. Hope all is well with you. Peace, John

  11. Hello, Birthday Girl!!! I hope you get to do some fun things today and during the weekend! Lot’s of eating and drinking, I hope. And when I say drinking I don’t mean juices! This was hilarious but reminds me too much of my colonoscopy prep! Was it worth it? Would you do it again?

    • That one is THE WORST, Aussa, because it’s just that same lemon, water, cayenne pepper bullshit all day, every day. At least this one had different colors and flavors, disturbing as some of them were.

      • thank you! I’m new to the game but the response has been great so far. I’m on the lookout for more health/fitness blogs to follow. Still in the midst of my own journey (probably always will be right?!) so if you know of any others that I should check out let me know. Helps to keep me motivated and I love being a part of that community

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