Welcome to the latest episode of…
I Try Stupid Things So You Don’t Have To.
You may remember earlier riveting episodes, like:
- Garlic Feet, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds.
- Oil Pulling, the one where you got super familiar with my gag reflex.
- Juice Fasting, AKA that time I nearly killed my husband for cooking bacon.
And how could we ever forget, Bee Pollen, the thing I described as:
“Bee pollen resembles bird seed, and while I’ve never actually tasted bird seed, I imagine it probably tastes better than this shit. Because this shit tastes like ass. I tried to eat it straight off the spoon for a couple of days, but the overwhelming urge to vomit made me rethink that strategy. Now I’m adding it to my green smoothies. It makes them taste like ass. But it’s less ass-y than the straight-up version, so I’m sticking with it.”
Well, it’s been eleventy thousand months since I’ve tried something NEW! and HEALTHY! and AWESOME!, so…
Off we go.
Let my trials, tribulations and traumas be your learning-from-afar.
First up, Oral (in the form of Jason).
Initially I was shy to give Jason a try, but now I’m such a fan that I’m not even embarrassed to tell you…
Jason has been in my mouth EVERY DAY for a month.
I just love getting Jason all over my teeth and tongue.
Jason is my new toothpaste.
He’s free of harsh abrasives and irritating chemicals. Now, I’ll admit that his color throws me off a bit, with its weird greige (grey + beige) tone, but I’m picking function over form this time. Jason is way healthier than his predecessor, Colgate, and still gets the job done. Sold.
Jason will be seeing the inside of my mouth for a long time to come.
Yes, that just happened.
Next up, the battle of the pits.
I’ve read enough magazine articles and blog posts to scare myself silly about the perils of antiperspirants (and deodorants, for that matter). Since I generally don’t like to stink, I decided to test a variety of more natural (AKA less cancer-y) tools to combat the ol’ body odor issue.
First I tried a crystal deodorant. It appealed to my desire for ‘natural’, with it’s bare-form format. It even came in a cute little dish.
The fact that I needed to watch a YouTube video to understand how to make it work seemed at odds with how simple and natural it appeared. Five minutes [which I’ll never get back] later, I learned that I would pretty much need to plan to spend about a minute and a half on each pit. Three extra minutes in the morning. No thank you. I tossed that crystal immediately.
Next I moved onto Tea Tree Oil deodorant. It also claimed to be all-natural, with the added bonus that I could swipe that sucker under each pit in about 2 seconds flat.
Sadly, I quickly learned that Tea Tree Oil smells more offensive than my natural body odor. So I tossed this guy, too.
Finally, I’m currently testing Tom’s of Maine aluminum-free lemongrass deodorant.
I’m not sure it’s “the one” but it’s the least offensive so far.
If any of you, dear readers, have recommendations for products that help keep you smelling fresh without inviting cancer to come for a visit, please share.
My healthy trials don’t end here, friends, but I’m out of time, so you’ll just have to sit tight until the next episode.