crystal on my pits, jason on my lips

Welcome to the latest episode of…

I Try Stupid Things So You Don’t Have To.

You may remember earlier riveting episodes, like:

  • Garlic Feet, which is exactly as stupid as it sounds.
  • Oil Pulling, the one where you got super familiar with my gag reflex.
  • Juice Fasting, AKA that time I nearly killed my husband for cooking bacon.

And how could we ever forget, Bee Pollen, the thing I described as:

“Bee pollen resembles bird seed, and while I’ve never actually tasted bird seed, I imagine it probably tastes better than this shit. Because this shit tastes like ass. I tried to eat it straight off the spoon for a couple of days, but the overwhelming urge to vomit made me rethink that strategy. Now I’m adding it to my green smoothies. It makes them taste like ass. But it’s less ass-y than the straight-up version, so I’m sticking with it.”

Well, it’s been eleventy thousand months since I’ve tried something NEW! and HEALTHY! and AWESOME!, so…

Off we go.

Let my trials, tribulations and traumas be your learning-from-afar.

First up, Oral (in the form of Jason).

Initially I was shy to give Jason a try, but now I’m such a fan that I’m not even embarrassed to tell you…

Jason has been in my mouth EVERY DAY for a month.

I just love getting Jason all over my teeth and tongue.

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Jason is my new toothpaste.

He’s free of harsh abrasives and irritating chemicals. Now, I’ll admit that his color throws me off a bit, with its weird greige (grey + beige) tone, but I’m picking function over form this time. Jason is way healthier than his predecessor, Colgate, and still gets the job done. Sold.

Jason will be seeing the inside of my mouth for a long time to come.

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Yes, that just happened.

Next up, the battle of the pits.

I’ve read enough magazine articles and blog posts to scare myself silly about the perils of antiperspirants (and deodorants, for that matter). Since I generally don’t like to stink, I decided to test a variety of more natural (AKA less cancer-y) tools to combat the ol’ body odor issue.

First I tried a crystal deodorant. It appealed to my desire for ‘natural’, with it’s bare-form format. It even came in a cute little dish.

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The fact that I needed to watch a YouTube video to understand how to make it work seemed at odds with how simple and natural it appeared. Five minutes [which I’ll never get back] later, I learned that I would pretty much need to plan to spend about a minute and a half on each pit. Three extra minutes in the morning. No thank you. I tossed that crystal immediately.

Next I moved onto Tea Tree Oil deodorant. It also claimed to be all-natural, with the added bonus that I could swipe that sucker under each pit in about 2 seconds flat.

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Sadly, I quickly learned that Tea Tree Oil smells more offensive than my natural body odor. So I tossed this guy, too.

Finally, I’m currently testing Tom’s of Maine aluminum-free lemongrass deodorant.

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I’m not sure it’s “the one” but it’s the least offensive so far.

If any of you, dear readers, have recommendations for products that help keep you smelling fresh without inviting cancer to come for a visit, please share.

My healthy trials don’t end here, friends, but I’m out of time, so you’ll just have to sit tight until the next episode.

Keep moving,

xoxo nancy

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130 thoughts on “crystal on my pits, jason on my lips

    • Well, yes and no… I saw a meme a while back that said something to the effect of: we eat organic/natural and then slather chemicals and known carcinogens onto the largest organ in our bodies: skin. I am pretty far from a chemical-free life, but taking baby steps where I can. Some of them hit, some of them miss. 🙂

  1. Thanks for being my tester. While in mosquito land (Midwest) I dabbed lavender oil all over my body and smelled liked a bar of soap…. preferable to DEET. And it seemed to keep away swarms of those irritating blood suckers with only the brave diving in for a taste of my sweet blood. Look forward to hearing about your next “interesting” product!

  2. I still use conventional products but kudos to you for going more natural. I’ve heard good things about the Tom’s of Maine brand. And kudos to you for that awesome title. Too funny.

  3. I am dying right now at that horny toothpaste graphic.
    Also, I thought you were going for wife of the year award or something with the daily oral. Though I will let you keep that one if that’s what it actually entails. And then I was relieved that it was toothpaste. I can’t wait for your next edition of google searches.
    Re: the armpit crystal…. I have always been intrigued but I am a seriously stinky person. The Tom’s sounds like a good alternative though.

    • The crystal was SO STUPID! You have to moisten it so that you can actually rub it against your skin without rubbing your skin off. But then you have to keep rubbing until the moisture dissipates. Which means, you do end up rubbing your damned skin off. AND it takes HOURS. Ridiculous.

  4. Was having a lovely day, but now I can’t get “ass taste thoughts” out of my head – so thank you for that. I am totally with you on using natural products and so on, but as far as the deodorant, the aluminum salts in the products mix with your sweat to create plugs in the ducts – the aluminum doesn’t get absorbed as much as you think…and what does is negligible. I don’t worry about anti-perspirant/deodorants really, and an anti-perspirant is the only thing that keeps me dry anyways. But – that is of course, only my humble opinion. So… I would stick with Jason and kick Tom to the curb, to be honest. But you decide. You are undoubtedly the funniest blog on WP, by the way. xoxo

  5. Hi Nancy! Tom’s what I’ve been putting in my mouth now for about a year and I like it 🙂 As far as the salt on the armpits…..I use a roll on only after I shave (and no I don’t shave them every day!) I’ve read that the most dangerous time to use regular deodorant is right after you shave so that is my compromise. And as for tea tree oil….I use it for skin blemishes and things and it works pretty well…It is also anti-fungal so it works on feet and toes and other things like that. You do have to develop a liking for the smell though. ~Kathy

    • Great tips, Kathy! I don’t shave as I got the laser treatment done, so… hair no more!

      The tea tree oil smell didn’t really bother me too much before, but putting it on my pits…it’s like a nasal assault. No Bueno!

  6. Have you tried Tom’s of Maine toothpaste? It is natural but does not have the color you described (which sounded like baby shit). I’ve been using Tom’s for a long time. Antiperspirants have been a challenge. Sensitive skin has always been a burning problem. A couple of years ago I started using Dove deodorant for sensitive skin (good to know I’m not alone). Figured if it did not cause skin irritation, it works for me (even Tom’s natural caused irritation). Gave up on Antiperspirants due to staining my shirts. I finally figured out it is hydrophobic when it comes to laundry time. That in itself can’t be good for ones skin.

    • The color isn’t quite as bad as baby shit. 🙂 It’s not white; more of an off-white with beige undertones. Just an odd look for toothpaste, but definitely tastes great and does the job.
      I just bought the Tom’s toothpaste so I can compare and contrast.

      I’ve got some more research to do in the area of deodorants. I’m weaning myself off antiperspirants because I don’t like the idea that they’re, by design, blocking our pores.

  7. “Greige” hahaha! I’ve been a huge fan of kingfisher toothpaste for about 20 years. Fluoride free, all natural and fennel-y. Not sure if you can get it there? Deo-wise I tried a rock too and gave up, then I tried homemade – not great, but have used Bionsen for a long time on and off. Smells nice and lasts almost a day, which does the job 🙂 Love all natural products, will have to look out for Jason over here 😉

  8. Oh my, Nancy! Your experiments are both hilarious and useful. We’re eating healthy and organic, but I’ve some way to go on the antiperspirant front…FL heat tends to make me sweat when I’m out and moving 🙂

      • Feck’s sake! Right – here it goes again. I use the Thai brand rock and I find it brilliant. It’s just as quick and easy to use as a regular roll-on, especially if you use it straight from the shower when you’re still wet. Otherwise I just wet the tip quickly under the tap (with the tip pointing down so water doesn’t run over the whole rock). I recommend one that has a lid just at the top, like a regular roll-on, rather than one that exposes the whole rock when you take off the lid. It’s just much easier to handle. The Thai brand doesn’t seem to come in a small-lidded version in the US, but Crystal brand does. (The one on the left in the photo, as opposed to the one on the right.) They also do liquid versions, but I’ve never tried those. The rock is really brilliant for odor. Even t-shirts after a few days of use don’t smell of BO. (They just smell “unfresh”, if you know what I mean.) If you really find the rock inconvenient then Sanex do a “Natur Protect” range that are aluminum free. They come in both fragranced and fragrance-free versions and they work really well. Neither the rocks or these Sanex deos protect against wetness, but it’s the bit that protects against wetness that’s bad for you, so I’m ok with that.

  9. Laughed my pants off!

    There used to be a Jason tea tree deo that wasn’t completely revolting but also not incredibly effective. There was a liquid one that I used to find in Superstore eons ago that actually worked, was totally natural and smelt good. Darned if I can remember the brand. And haven’t seen it in the last few treks back to Canada so perhaps it has disappeared.

    Now… if only I had the guts to come public with my experiments with the ‘menstrual cup’ (i.e. no more tampons / pads). Bottom line, no go on any level!

  10. You are hilarious! I have to admit that I don’t lie awake at night worrying about aluminum. I use Secret, the clear kind that doesn’t leave white residue on my black T-shirts. We buy Tom’s toothpaste because the flavors are cool. Plus I hate the name Jason, so I refuse to let him anywhere near my mouth. What’s with the weird, fake(?) accent marks over the vowels? It’s like “JĀSÖN” is a heavy metal band…

    • When I googled Jason just before writing the post, I was fully expecting to land on a Swedish company, based on those accents. Color me gobsmacked when I learned it’s just a pretentious California company, and that accents are just a big heaping serving of bullshit!

      I have an unopened tube of Tom’s in my bathroom, which I’ll try as soon as I wring the last big of spluge out of Jason. I’m not afraid of cheating on Jason with Tom.

  11. This Jason sounds shady… I know people who use baking powder as deodorant. It’s kind of weird and a bit puffy but they swear by it.

    So eating bee pollen… I can’t fathom that one. I need to know more.

    • You buy it in a big bag (like birdseed) at health food stores, and then keep it in the fridge. It’s disgusting. Other health-conscious friends had raved about it, so I gave it a go. I think I made it a week. Nasty!

  12. Nancy, this is a subject dear to my heart. I too wanted to stop putting chemicals in my lymph nodes, but also didn’t want to stink! So I found a home made recipe, close to this one (I can’t find the link I used): http://wellnessmama.com/1523/natural-deodorant/

    I use the coconut oil, the arrowroot and the baking soda (all sourced from natural vendors, not at the grocery store) and then use a few drops of peppermint oil to make it smell nice, but have also used lavender oil. It makes a semi-solid product and I just dab a bit on my fingers for each pit. I initially thought that was too inconvenient, and tried a natural deodorant from Indigo Wild, but that had tea tree oil and made me smell awful! So I am back to my homemade concoction and I carry it in a small tupperware-like container.

    Best stuff ever! BTW, other than the deodorant, I am hooked on Indigo Wild. Thanks for that!
    Lynne

    • Lynne, THANKS for this! I don’t have a lot of time for a major muss and fuss project, so I didn’t think homemade was in the cards for me – but this looks really quick and easy. I’m going to give it a try after my hellish month of Sept is done. Thanks again!

  13. Pretty sure I’m going to need some pelvic floor repair work done now, Nancy. Good god, this post was funny. And the cartoon. People are amazingly clever.
    If you were to open up any of my cabinets or drawers, you’ll find a treasure chest of my ventures into au natural body care and the disappointments that have come with them. It’s a wholly depressing treasure chest but still filled with things that cost me many sparkling coins. Still, I refuse to give up the search. Cancery creams — no thanks. I’m coming back here to check your wealth and hellness column for updates. Because regardless of whether or not you give them a thumbs up, the humor alone will keep me feeling like a million bucks. 😀

  14. I’m going to have nightmares of that tooth paste image (and I right now I feel lucky my husband is not called Jason 😉 )… Life without visual imagination would be so much duller 🙂

    But yay for natural products!

  15. that is the most disturbing toothpaste image I have ever had in my head…
    and now it won’t go away!!

    luckily I suspect I am too sleepy when I clean my teeth to remember :-/

    I tried crystal based deodorant once…it was like the crystal you had but came in a more user friendly stick and didn’t take nineteen hours to apply… I think it worked…but I stopped using it…I have no idea why…I will see if I can track down which one it was…

    I tried tea tree oil too, but tea tree makes me itchy despite a man in a shop telling me that noone could be allergic to tea tree oil because it was natural. I gave him a look!!

  16. Ha,ha,ha!! How did I miss this??? This is what I’m talking about! You make me pee my pants and I love you for it. I am glad you have embraced Jason and have taken him IN. 🙂 I do use Tom’s deodorant but hadn’t seen the lemongrass one. Off to the store! I think I’m going to hold off on putting Jason into my mouth…I don’t like grey substances.

  17. Pingback: me… dirty? not anymore, i’m not. | my year of sweat

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