let it go

Last week was a challenging one for a variety of reasons. And it’s time to let it go.

A week ago Friday, a day when the temperature hit 104 degrees Fahrenheit in Las Vegas, our air conditioning decided it would work no more. There is no shortage of things to do and places to go to beat the heat during the day. Oh but the night. At some point you have to sleep.

The condo registered 94 degrees at 11:00 pm. We opened windows. We used ceiling fans. We cursed the situation.

Shockingly, none of these things helped.

They helped even less the following night.

By Sunday morning we did what any sensible people would do: we checked into a hotel. I needed to get a good night’s sleep that night before heading to New York City for business the next morning. This was the best decision I’ve made in a long while.

Sitting in the air conditioned airport, things seemed to be looking up. And then my flight was delayed for three hours, pushing my arrival time to 1:00 am. I did the math in my head: land at 1:00 am, deplane, call the car service to advise of my arrival, drive to Manhattan from Newark, check into hotel… I’ll be lucky if I get to my room by 2:30 am.I need to be up by 6:00 am. Oh boy. I could feel the anxiety building in the pit of my stomach.

Let it go, Nanc. There’s nothing you can do at this point. Just let it go.

And then I got a call from someone I love who is going through a really tough time. I felt like a useless twit, miles away from that person and headed even farther away still, and completely unable to show my support, other than by lending an ear before boarding my flight. I wanted to help. I couldn’t help.

More angst.

The universe was in a mischievous mood and decided to throw one more thing at me. That thing it throws at me every month. Like clockwork.

I’m nearly 48 years old for crying out loud. Enough already. Go the fuck away.

Work, too, was crazier than normal. There were big deliverables to deliver last week.

Ball-busting Nancy made her first appearance at this new workplace. Uh-oh.

That it took nearly 6 months to happen is testament to how much I mellowed during my 2 year ‘retirement’.

Still, that little cameo appearance of the beast formerly known as Nancy made me hyper aware that I could fall back into old habits very easily.

More angst.

My temper was short. I couldn’t / didn’t share what I was feeling with anyone. I wanted to wallow in my anxiety. I refused to let it go.

Everything was …off.

And I really needed to let it go.

So in the spirit of letting those things go that you should let go, here is a simple but powerful mantra.

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Playing this gorgeous music from the amazing Piano Guys also helped.

Keep moving, but also… let it go…

xoxo nancy

 

 

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84 thoughts on “let it go

  1. My goodness! If you managed to get through all of that without some anxiety/craziness I would be super impressed!

    I certainly wouldn’t be able too!!

    If you managed to let at least some of it go I am still super impressed!

    The fact that you have recognised and acknowledged your need to stop and let things go is a massive step forward!!

    Music always helps me let things go…or forget about them at least, I am the queen of holding onto things! (I am attempting to work on it mind you )

    xxx

    • In an effort not to write a 1,000+ word post I left out many details. Like the fact that the initial quote to repair the A/C and related issues was for ~$10k, which then dropped to $7,800 after we refused to commit immediately. On the good news front, friends of ours then connected us with a friend of theirs who does commercial cooling systems. He came out to have a quick look Sunday and then came back with an estimate while I was in NYC. Two options: a basic fix for $1,800 or a full on replace everything for $2,200. Thank God for friends is all I can say. But it makes me so mad that someone else tried to rip us off so badly.

      I also felt bad about shutting people out who were just trying to support and help. I really need to work on that. When the going gets rough I tend to shut down and withdraw completely. This hurts the people who want to love and support me. I know I do this, yet I I’m unable to stop myself. Which causes more anxiety. A vicious cycle.

      Anyway – things are much better now. A few nights sleep in my own bed in an air conditioned house here in Toronto, along with a few really good, long (8+ hr) catch-up sleeps has helped me a bunch.

      Mostly I just need to work on not sweating the small stuff. It’s a process…

      • good grief!! $7 – 10k sounds outrageous compared to the later quotes!!
        I am so glad you found someone to do it for a more reasonable price!!

        I know exactly what you mean about shutting people out and reacting badly to it. I do a similar thing where if I feel guilty about something (real or imagined) I get cross and start shouting at people…like this wekeend Mark was left to clear out some of our rooms for the builders while I went away to a folk festival with dancing…I got cross and grumpy and accused him of being cross with me!

        I am glad sleeping and air conditioning have helped!! sometimes you need a break like that and for everything not to happen at once!!

        In my experience, it is the small stuff that is the hardest to cope with…especially when there is a lot of it! The big things are somehow easier because we feel like it is allowable to find them difficult which takes the pressure off somehow!

      • I think you just nailed it in your last paragraph, Sam. I do handle the big stuff better than the small stuff. It’s like we carry guilt over feeling stress over the smaller things – and so the anxiety breeds more anxiety. Interesting stuff, that.

        Sleeping… We all read/hear about how important good/sound sleep is for your physical and mental wellbeing – but it’s only in the absence of that sleep that I realize it fully.

      • I realised it once when a friend was bi polar, was having a hard time and felt better when she twisted her ankle because it seemed like she was allowed to feel bad and have people look after her… that is how it seemed from the outside anyway.

        I think we need to allow ourselves some leeway away from what we think we “should” be able to cope with, and stop worrying when things are harder than we anticipate…

        Now if only I could come up with a way to do that!!

        sleep is strange…I need to do some more analysis/research as I seem to routinely feel better on 5.5hrs sleep than I do on 7…which makes no sense!!

      • Hmm…that is interesting on your sleep/performance. I got approx. 4 hours Monday night – and delivered a great presentation to a group of about 40 people Tuesday afternoon. Tues night I got approx. 5.5 hours sleep and had a buffer day (no real deliverables, just more prep), couldn’t really gauge performance. Wed night I got approx. 5 hours sleep and delivered a really solid presentation to approx. 50 people Thursday afternoon. By the time I got to the airport though…I was WIPED. I *can* perform very well under little amounts of sleep, but at what cost… I was in a very closed off/depressed mood by the time I boarded my flight Thursday evening. That night plus all day Friday was basically me moping around, feeling ‘off’. I think lack of sleep takes a toll more in a mental way than a physical one, for me. But it doesn’t necessarily show its full effect until I get through all my ‘to-do’s’.

      • that is why I need to do more analysis, I am not as effective at work on more sleep, but I sometimes think it is becauseI have almost no actual human interaction for hours after I get there which means I am not forced to wake up!

        On the days I feel more awake, I have had PT which is a) ealry morning exercise which could be what is waking me up and b) conversations with Matt which also could be what is waking me up rather than the actual amount of sleep.

        Or possibly the more sleep I have the more disturbed sleep I get and therefore it doesn’t always add up to more actual rest…

        I will investigate!

      • I don’t know if what I have is bad enough for that, but it would be interesting… 🙂

        I suspect the outcome will be, that I have restless legs…

        which I already know…

      • no, it is an actual thing, and it is apparently a sleep disorder…which explains a lot!

        I didn’t know it was real for ages, I just thought I had wriggly legs. I only found out when I went to the doctor because it was so bad that I couldn’t keep my feet on the pedals when driving!!

        it is much better than that now though 🙂

      • they can prescribe meds, but rarely do, and they have limited success…

        I have them because I convinced them it was worth a try as at the time I was driving for 4 hours a day and not being able to keep my feet on the pedals was dangerous!

        I am, therefore, on a low dosage of parkinsons medication!
        It is better when I have done exercise,and if I don’t sit down for too long a stretch at a time!

        I am a nightmare on a plane!!

      • I googled it and even Wiki says walking/exercising can alleviate the symptoms – so you are doing your body good, Sam! But we already knew that, right?!

      • They definitely do! I was hoping that it would go away altogether this year with losing weight and exercising…I forgot to take my tablets and they came back so I guess I stuck with them…but they are definitely better!!

  2. awww, what a beautiful version of that song. I love it! I’m glad you were able to not let all of those extremely frustrating events keep hold of you. The broken a/c is just about enough!

    • The broken A/C, along with the rip-off artist who gave us a quote to fix it nearly did me in. And the attitude of this asshat. He was all indignant when we said we had to think about it before committing to that kind of expense. ($9,600) “What’s there to think about? You need A/C…” Oh fuck off, douche nozzle. Let’s see, how about a second opinion? At which point he offered a ‘promotional discount’ and dropped his bid to $7,800. Thank God my gut told me this guy was gouging us and to run far away from this guy.

      So, to sum it up, a major lack of sleep, a stressful work trip and the prospect of spending nearly $10k when I am still digging out from under the upside down finances of a year without a paycheque — it was all just a bit too much. Add to that a raging period and a best friend who’s hurting… not a good combo.

      Happy to be in a better place, mindset wise, this week. Amazing how much our mood/mindset/response can impact our outlook.

    • I’m already breathing much easier Guap. I think sleep deprivation had a lot to do with how overwhelmed I was feeling. Not saying I would have been carefree last week if I was sleeping well, but I know the effects of too little sleep definitely amplified all my issues significantly.

      Would have loved to connect with you and TMWGITU again, but I was in full cocooning mode – shutting everyone and everything out. 😦

      • Next month work is actually taking me to Vegas (for a convention), so I’m not sure I’ll get back to NYC before August. Makes me sad because I wanted to see The Realistic Joneses. (Oh, that’s the other thing that pissed me off last week. Against better judgment I decided to go see Kinky Boots, which was a massive disappointment. Definitely did not live up to the hype, which I suspected in my gut, and proved to be true. Just one more thing to gripe about last week.)

  3. Sorry you’ve had so many yucks lately. I find the ‘let go of worrying’ the hardest. So easy to let things simmer in our minds. As for the air conditioning, how did they do it in the old days? Those poor people.

    • I literally asked myself the same question, Carrie — how on earth did they do it?

      Even with it being the dry heat of the desert, a condo with an inside temp of 94 degrees at night, without the slightest breeze… oppressive. At least here in Toronto, if the A/C ever dies we can retreat to the basement. Not perfect, but way more tolerable. No such option in Vegas for us. Thankfully rooms are unbelievably cheap – so even when we return on July 25th, we’ll probably just go straight to a hotel that first day while Jonah fixes the A/C. (He tells us that he can get it all done in the one day.)

      Yep, worry is a big one for me too. All we can do is be conscious that we’re doing it, and try to work on letting it go.

  4. Strewth, two things you never upset in my opinion, the universe is number one, and Janet, a close second…hang on , Janet is the universe, hell, now I’m confused!

    Hope it all looked up after the music, personally a bad day would see me reaching for some Alice in Chains or the like, but hey, each to their own 😉

    Take care….

    • Music in general helps me escape. It could be an impromptu dance party in my hotel room with Lady Gaga or raging with some gangsta rap. 🙂 The Piano Guys just seem to soothe my soul in amazing and beautiful ways.

      This one in particular… transports me to another place entirely:

  5. Extreme heat and sleep deprivation – a killer combination! Our AC broke down on our RV on our last trip. We were on a creepy little campsite so didn’t even want to leave windows open. We took sleeping pills and thank goodness ‘the guy” came the next day and repaired it.

  6. Oy…no air conditioning is the SUCK. That happened to us on vacation in Myrtle Beach a few years ago. Luckily we could just go out to the ocean….

    Sorry to hear about your horrible week. Hopefully this week will be better.

    • It was a total shit-show, Maria. But those sucky times also serve to remind us how good the good times are, right? Thankful to be past all that unpleasantness.

  7. Nancy,
    Glad to see you survived a difficult week intact. It never ceases to amaze me that life can throw so many curve balls all at one time. It is in those challenging times that I have learned, or keep trying to learn, to remain in the moment. Much easier said then done. Today is a new day!!!
    Patrick

  8. Good you didn’t fall for the rip-off guy on the AC repair…I’ve seen that the hotter it is the more expensive anything AC…and the same goes for cold and the heater. No shame in that industry…unless one has a reliable, known contractor…or friends. I’m in the same situation regarding feeling helpless, someone I love is really struggling (in ICU) since yesterday and I’m far too far to help. Such is life…we have to let it go and trust the universe…btw, your 10 to zen list is great…Buddha one said: holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. I think it may apply in varying degrees to all 10 things we tend to hold onto.

  9. Wow! That would be a tall order to deal with even WITH a great night’s restorative sleep. Without sleep, I head downhill fast. Without sleep and A/C, I’d be a basket case waiting for the men in the little white coats to take me away.

    Glad you bounced back. Music is great for shifting perspectives. Laughter too.

    • Oh trust me, NH, the men in the white coats were almost called in. I think I left claw marks on two coworkers who threatened to not deliver something they had committed to. Suffice to say they did. AFTER the beast made her appearance. 🙂

  10. Well damn, Nancy… That sounds like a run of really unfortunate, crappy, miserable events. But you are so positive, and you are good at turning train wrecks around. Here’s to better days! You’ve got a bunch coming your way 🙂

  11. Just today I was reading a book about the importance of acceptance if one wants to feel ok. Is the universe trying to tell me something. .? Well, I accept that my summer holidays are around the corner and that there will be work left to do even after the break ; )

    Seriously, you had a rough going and it should be getting better now! Hope you manage to let go!

    • I did, thank you! The best part of coming out of a stressful situation or just a general funk is that the good times seem so much better.

      Acceptance is crucial. It is what it is…

  12. What a week, Nancy! I’m relieved to hear you are home safe and sound, sleeping in air-conditioned comfort. 🙂 Maybe it was the full moon/Friday the 13th combo that made last week so bizarrely awful (mine included). In fact a few days ago Ryan actually stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, turned to me and started singing “Let it Go.” He’d had it with my attitude…at least I got a quick laugh break from the craziness. 🙂 Cheers to a better week ahead!

  13. When we get thrown off our game – eg lack of sleep – even little things that we could normally handle with finesse feel like major drama. It sure sounds like you got tossed off your game big-time. I’m glad to hear you are finding your “happy place” again 🙂

    • It was just a lot of little things that when combined with the lack of sleep and the prospect of spending $10k that I hadn’t budgeted for added up to a major funk. I’m so glad to have shaken all that off. I hate feeling like that – and I hate how it impacts those around me.

      Here’s to a new/better week!

  14. Those A/C’s never break down when it’s only 85 degrees, they wait until the thermometer rises above 100. Hope things are settling down and your stay in Vegas was otherwise enjoyable…… which it sure seemed it was an adventure by your recent posts 🙂

    • All things considered I am now looking back with gratitude that it happened Friday night (less than 3 days before I was leaving) and not the day we arrived. Being away for 5 weeks buys us the time to make a sound decision. I’m still fuming at the initial estimate on Saturday from the con artist trying to gouge us. It’s shameful how some look to capitalize on a difficult situation and turn into vultures.

  15. It is impossible to sleep in Hell. Impossible. I’ve been there. Three straight nights without sleep would turn anyone into a ball buster, my dear. That you saw it happening probably staved off a true relapse. You’re more self-aware now, and that’s a good thing. It’s massive growth.

    I hope the Princess isn’t the one with the problems. I’ve never met her, but I just love her.

    Thanks for the Zen. I need to print that out and plaster it to my forehead. 🙂

    • Massive improvements in the area of self-awareness, and for this I’m very glad. Seeing it helped me catch it and then work on fixing it. So much better than before, when it was a true blind spot for me.

      Hope you work through the jet lag soon(ish). As rough as it sounds, it may take you setting an alarm for a set time each morning – even if it means you only got 3-4 hours sleep total. Eventually your body will need to crash in the eastern time zone night time hours. Good luck.

  16. Excellent thinking to just to a hotel! If there’s a next time, just go a little sooner and enjoy the amenities during the day! Just being aware of the traps is a good thing. I’m sure you remember a time when you never even saw them coming at you, so progress. And the Piano Guys can mellow me out any day. 🙂

    • The Piano Guys are amazing! I’m so glad I found them. Between their beautiful sound and the fantastic imagery of their backdrops… how could one not find their zen? 🙂

      The current plan is to fly back to Vegas on the 25th – and head straight to a hotel. Jonah (the great AC guy we found through friends) will work on the fix that day or the next, and we won’t stay at the condo until everything is back to normal. Now that makes me breathe a little lighter! 😉

  17. Yeah, “let go.” I know somebody who uses that as a meditation mantra. Wish I were better at it. Peace, John

  18. Okay, I just re-read your post again today, when I am so tired from lack of sleep that I could put my head down on my desk and start snoozing. I’m also feeling the crunch of two major group projects due in two weeks in my marketing class with a group dynamic that leaves much to be desired and my feeling completely tapped of any sort of creative energy. And…I just got my period as well…and I’m 51!!! When does it go away?? I don’t quite know how you got through all of the challenges and the lack of sleep you’re describing in the post but, the fact that you did it is giving me strength. Thank you! I’ve also printed the 10 to Zen list and hung it on the way in front of my face. Again, thank you Nancy. It can only get better, right? 🙂

    • Aw, girl – I’m sorry to hear my shit week up and left and landed on you this week. 😦

      It does get better. I promise. Your period will be over in a day or two, and if you haven’t killed your marketing group members before then, you’ll be much more chill by the next time you meet with them. 🙂

      Try to get some sleep. Maybe a nice bottle of wine to help wash away the ick before bed tonight?

  19. Wow, Nancy, that was a sucky combination of circumstances, but so glad that you prevailed and feel better now. 🙂

    Letting go is hard. I am still trying to figure out how. And to not sweat the small stuff.

  20. I totally get this. sometimes I get all wrapped up in the small stuff wreaking havoc on my day/life, and then I just have to “let it go”, breathe, and chill. When I’m really having a pity party, I try to remember how great I have it in the big scheme of things. Oh, did I mention I do that last part with 2 glasses of wine?

    hang in there sistah…..xoxo

  21. Pingback: monthly challenges recap: june edition | my year[s] of sweat!

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