Coming off my recent cleanse, and feeling oh so smug in all my re-booted and detoxified glory, I considered taking a trip to Whole Foods to restock my fridge and pantry with goodies of the organic and healthy variety.
What I love about Whole Foods is also what I hate about them. It’s the distinct air of general snootiness, with a soupçon of disdain, that hits you the moment you walk through those sliding glass doors.
It’s where granola-fed and antiperspirant-free employees mingle with toe shoe-shod and Chakra-aligned, BMW-driving, consumers.
Source: sportshoes.com
I love both groups in equal measure. Every baguette-eschewing, PBA-eliminating, meat-shunning one of them.
Namaste to one and all.
Several months ago I read a Huffington Post article, by Kelly MacLean, about her own traumatic (for her) and hilarious (for us) Whole Foods experience. Every word resonated with me. She captured the very essence of my love/hate relationship with this place.
Mr. Enthusiasm came into the room to investigate what was going on when he heard me snorting, wheezing and crying with laughter.
I tried to read select passages to him, but kept hyperventilating in the process.
I finally stopped when I noticed I was actually wetting myself.
There is so much gold in her 1,000+ words, but one of my favourite excerpts is:
“Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I skip this aisle because I’m not rich enough to have dietary restrictions. Ever notice that you don’t meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida?
Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. You know you’ve really made it in this world when you get Candida. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. All I’m saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants.”
Word.
Look, I am just as open to embracing all things healthy as the next gal. But I can also spot nonsense when I see it [including my own lemming-like adoption of many ridiculous fads and crazes].
I’m willing to own those mistakes and laugh at myself for buying into all the bluster and bullshit.
To those blowhards who actually believe their own hubris, I offer a gift: a video from our friends at Funny or Die. Perhaps it’ll inspire them to take it down a notch.
Namaste.
Keep moving,
xoxo nancy
Where do you find these videos Nancy??
Hey Sean, I pulled it off YouTube. I think it was originally on Funny or Die. Their stuff is pretty hilarious.
Oi! what are you saying about people who wear toe shoes and drive BMWs?
Ok…I only wear them to the gym, and we just sold the BMW but shhh!
I completely agree really 🙂 it is important to see through the crap! there are more food intolerances in the world now than foods as far as I can tell!
Ha! I think you’re right Sam!
(And ps, I only just sold my BMW too. Shhh)
hehehe
I won’t tell anyone, they’ll think we are car snobs 😀
Reformed car snobs!
hehe yes 🙂
(except that out house hold now owns a Landrover Discovery and a Range Rover Sport…)
Shhh don’t tell anyone!
it’s ok…noone will know…it is not like I put it on the internet…
er…
🙂
So, I’ve said “I almost spit my coffee out” a few times after hilarious posts that I’m now just gonna call them “coffee spitters” and this is one! Lol! I used to love Whole Foods when we lived in Chicago but always thought it was a bit uppity. Any health food store seems to have a bit of that air. I try to do well with food choices and shop those stores when the budget allows or just find the same items in the regular store, but still give my kid a fruit roll up from time to time. 🙂
That video is too much! haha!! The golden rain…lol!
Feel that warm golden shower pour over your body Kerry. Feel it!
Too good not to share 🙂 it’s gonna have to be Facebook-ed!
🙂 So glad you liked it!
Did you read Kelly’s full article? It is hilarious!! The bit on Kombucha teas…I died!
no, I haven’t yet, but I will while getting my hair colored today! can’t wait 🙂
Make sure you have no liquid in your mouth. And an emptied bladder.
I am quite sure the video girl was in an exercise class I had. Not certain because I can’t remember her face at all !!! 🙂
HA! That’s funny!!
Ha ha, I wonder if a golden shower in my third eye would do anything for me?? 🙂 Those leggings are way up in her bidness – nope, I’m still not over that! Oh, and ‘Not Janis’ sent me a message to say he really likes the blog and was looking forward to talking to me about more Latvian quirks haha! 🙂
How could a golden shower in your third eye be anything but magical, Linda?
And what is this about Not Janis wanting to get all up in your bid-ness??? I can’t wait to hear more!!!
Ha ha! Here it is – http://expateyeonlatvia.wordpress.com/2014/01/08/ice-ice-baby/comment-page-1/#comment-7381
I wonder if he’s into golden showers and camel toes…?
And animal print…
Seriously though – it’s a man. And he’s not named Janis. I say go for it!
There might be another contender in the race… 😉
Oohhhh goodie!! Options are good. I like options!
Ha ha, you can read all about it a bit later! 🙂
Can’t wait!
LMFAO…..and I haven’t even watched the video. Spot on Nancy 🙂
Sweet baby Jesus, Ingrid, between Kelly’s article and that video I considered investing in some Depends! 🙂
Ha ha ha ha
I have just had to explain to Mrs Sensible what a camel toe is. I don’t think the Italians have a name for it. 🙂
Just hit play on the video. A picture is worth a thousand words. 🙂
🙂
That video–oh, talk about cringe-worthy. But so funny.
I’ve never been to a Whole Foods store. I eat healthy, but I don’t get all fou-fou. The basics are fine for me. It’s interesting how the gluten-free thing has taken off. Far more people avoid gluten than need to; it’s only a necessity in those with Celiac Disease (about 1% of the US population) or a gluten sensitivity (which is not nearly as common as the abundance of gluten-free products would have one believe). People equate gluten-free with healthier, but that’s not really the case. Yes, it’s healthier for someone with Celiac’s to shun gluten, but not somebody without the disorder. Many healthy foods risk getting eliminated from the diet if one eats gluten-free but doesn’t medically need to.
You are making far too much sense now Carrie! 🙂
Lemmings… I should know, I was one of them!
Yes, I guess I need to reign in my clinical side again. Here, maybe this will help: Poop!
Seriously though, do you think most people go gluten-free because they see it as a weight-loss thing? I think that may be a big part of it. But, if so, why not just give up white bread and regular pasta? That seems the less drastic route, since – as you point out – there are loads and loads of healthy, but gluten-containing, grains that are actually good for us.
I think people just get caught up in the latest ‘health’ craze, usually touted by a celebrity, even if it’s not sound. Then, once the phrase is out there, it sticks in people’s minds as being healthy, without really exploring what it means.
I think you’re right.
OMG! thank you for my morning laugh 🙂
With pleasure! Namaste Laurel!
Way-ay-ay too much information!
Our local Whole Foods have Bentleys in the parking lot and are filled with muppet women (80+ women whose faces are tighter than drums and and they never blink!) Oh, and some of them are wearing yoga clothes too….Now that’s scary!!! Give me Katherine Hepburn any day.
It is ALSO a really good reminder to be careful if we wear leggings ANYWHERE!
🙂
🙂 Yes!!! The muppet women!! 🙂
What kills me the most is that they share the identical nose, lips and hair. Very off-putting.
I LOVED that article in the Huffington post! It was awesome! Great post as always!
Wasn’t it a great article? Kelly is a master with words! Still makes me laugh out loud when I read it!
Bahahahahahaha hilarious. I am with you all the way on this, Nance. Some people get too wrapped up in their own bullshit. I read that Wholefoods piece too. It was awesome. And reminds me I need to go off and get some supplies from Organics on a Budget for my forthcoming detox LOL
Wanker anyone? Lol
We are completely allowed to be hypocrites on this, as long as we’re self aware!
Go you organic, detoxing diva you!
Oh my gosh!!!! How the heck does she manage to maintain such a plump camel toe????
I’m guessing all the golden showers on her third eye probably had something to do with it. Namaste Aussa.
Hahahaha!
I am a complete Whole Foods addict. I complain about it constantly, but I always manage to find myself there every week. The produce is just so lovely that I can’t resist.
To your collection of Whole Foods related humor, I add this number:
Totally get it. Love-Hate.
That video is great – loved the line about the dude buying his cayenne pepper for his Master Cleanse. Been there, done that. *hangs head in shame*
Mr. Won’t Get Movin’ came into my office to see what I was laughing at! So hilarious! And finally explains what I experienced when I used to walk into Whole Foods when we still lived in MD. Here at the beach in Florida we don’t have a Whole Foods nearby, we’re not “there” yet 🙂
Consider yourself lucky not to have that temptation nearby. I loathe myself more every time I go in. Yet I go back again and again. It’s like my crack.
Pingback: welcome home! (…to an empty fridge) | my year[s] of sweat!
Your blog rocks more than ever. I’m so proud of you on so many levels. This post is no exception. I laughed my ass off. Thank you for making my life a better place to be. You remind me that I’m not alone. Rock on…
God I’ve missed you Ginny! xoxo
I can’t believe you’re picking on us! You, with your enriched flour, and ability to eat grains that have never once been inside a humidity controlled handwoven hemp bag carried on the backs of virgin albinos from the Himalayas (by way of New Jersey)!
I flick my soy decaf latte foam in your direction.
(And nice to meet you!) 😉
Oh, we shall be fast friends, El Guapo. Fast friends, indeed.
p.s. I think your recent blog post was very brave. I’ve been watching the whole thing go down with equal parts anger, horror and sadness.
Thank you. It was one of the harder posts I’ve written.
I can imagine. Especially with the fear that so many seem to continue to show.
In the end, all we can do is go on, and hopefully prop each other up.
Unless they’re shopping at Whole Foods. Becausse there’s no call for that. (I hang with Trader Joe myself.)
I worship Trader Joe. If I was the religious sort, TJ’s would be my church.
We go there rarely because it’s a madhouse by s, but I always make time to read the fun labels.
Pingback: pure hell at Pure Barre | my year[s] of sweat!
Another video take down. I’m a day late and a dollar short to this party. 😦
Boo!! 😦
Ahh, it’s back! That was hilarious. Disturbing, but hilarious.
I brought it in directly from Funny or Die. YouTube had removed it because of adult content. WTF? Seriously people, get a sense if humour, would you?
Adult content? Seriously? There’s much worse – and less funny – on YouTube.
Yup – that’s why the previous version I had in the original post wouldn’t play. YouTube had removed it. Crazy.
Pingback: 2014 in review, wordpress style | my year[s] of sweat!
OMG…this was awesome! I remember reading the Whole Foods post, too.
I love to laugh…almost as much as passing out in yoga class. Thanks for leading me over here. I’m rolling on the floor – AGAIN!!
That article makes me pee my pants every time I re-read it. 😀