when the urge to kill surpasses the urge to eat

It’s Day 4 of my one week Juice / Cleanse / Detox program. Holy shit this is hard. Like really, really hard.

My intention when I started this on Monday was to take all my meals, for 7 days, in the form of juice. Late that afternoon, when a massive headache took its vice grip-like hold on my skull, I started to rethink the viability of my plan.

I decided not to take pills for the headache as that seemed counterproductive to doing a detox.  By midnight, when I found myself both still in pain and also shivering with the chills, I began to rethink my logic.



Day 2 started out much better. The vice grip had loosened, leaving only a dull ache at the base of my skull. That level of pain I could handle. Not like the nonsense of Day 1.

Piece of cake, I thought to myself, I have got this! 7 days… p’shaw! Not a problem!

I mixed up a big batch of spinach, ginger root, blackberries, a pear and an orange for breakfast. Yummy. Well, not really, but better than just spinach and carrots and beets. I’ll take it.

By noon, I still felt pretty good, relatively speaking, but felt those familiar pangs of hunger. I considered my options and settled on a smoothie. It would offer more substance than pure juice, as I would get the pulp of the fruit and veg and not just the liquid. I mixed up a greenish, purplish concoction and settled in to drink my lunch.


And then Mr. Enthusiasm came to the kitchen to make his lunch.

A fried egg and bacon sandwich.

And for the first time since I started thing, my first thought wasn’t how much I wanted to eat something salty or sweet or crusty or flaky. Rather, my overriding thought was, how can I kill this man in a way that inflicts the most pain?



Somehow I managed to fight through my urge to assassinate him for being so. flipping. mean. And the bright side to all of this was that it was the first time that something overshadowed my urge to eat.

Day 2 actually ended up being a not-so-bad day, at least not compared to the hell that was Monday. I made a tomato and cucumber ‘salad’ – and by salad I mean raw tomatoes and cucumbers – for dinner. Mostly I craved bread at this point. Way more than I craved any form of sweets.

On Wednesday I took a stroll through hell again.

The headache came back with a vengeance. This may have been due to caffeine withdrawals or possibly sugar. I don’t know, and I don’t care. I just wanted the pain to go away. So I caved and took two ibuprofen at noon.

Oh sweet relief.

The joy of no longer feeling pain temporarily removed my desire to chew actual food.

That lasted for all of 4 hours, at which point I was ready to gnaw my own arm off. Instead I made myself a chick pea, parsley and onion salad. The legumes really made me feel full, and gave my jaw some much-needed exercise.

That evening I had a giant craving for popcorn. I’m actually glad I had none in the house because I would have absolutely thrown a bag in the microwave. The craving was that strong.

There were kettle chips in the pantry. How I managed to not rip that bag open is a mystery to me.

Instead I ate a small handful of raw almonds. They didn’t even begin to hit the spot, but they did make me thirsty.

After downing another big glass of water, I felt full and ready to call it a night.

As of the writing of this post (Thursday /Day 4 at mid-day) I’ve gotta say I’m feeling pretty damn good.

There is a clarity in my head. I don’t know how to describe it exactly. Physically it’s the first time in nearly 3 weeks that my sinuses are completely clear. Even my vision seems a bit clearer today. Apart from the physical though, mentally I just feel very sharp, clear-headed. It’s a good feeling. And makes me ponder how much of a fog I’ve been in for a while now.

Out of curiosity I jumped on the scale this morning, and I’m down 3 lbs since Monday.

My goal for this week wasn’t weight loss, as you’ll recall from the previous post. It was simply to reboot my system after a lot of really bad food choices over the holidays. It is interesting, and a bit curious to me, to see any pounds drop because I’ve been eating a ton of fruit and veg, which is all carbs, and I’ve kept my workouts very light because of my low energy this week. It could just be water loss. At any rate, it was a nice surprise, especially after 3 very hard days.

With 3.5 days to go, I dare say I may be able to see this through. At least with my modifications (eating raw fruit and veg, some raw nuts when I need it) it seems possible. I may steam some veggies (carrots, broccoli, etc.) for dinner tonight. The act of chewing does wonders for me, it seems, in terms of convincing my brain I’ve actually eaten.

I’m hoping that my next post (Monday) will be recapping a successful week. And also that there will be no assassinations in the interim.

Keep moving,

xoxo nancy

83 thoughts on “when the urge to kill surpasses the urge to eat

  1. Huh? Come again? You feel mentally sharp and clear-headed? I think this whole detoxing exercise is beginning to affect you upstairs! Kidding aside, if you don’t mind me saying so, I’m very proud of your resolve in going through with this. Good luck for the rest of the ordeal!

    • I know, right? It’s kind of crazy that I could be so lucid after the hell of Monday and Wednesday, not to mention the pure horror of no caffeine, dairy, meat or precious bread. 😦 I guess our bodies need a kick in the pants every now and again. Also makes me wonder what nasty foods I have intolerance to – given my formerly foggy-headedness…?

      Thanks for the support JD!

    • I couldn’t have done it pre 2013. I think that in those weak moments I keep thinking about how I managed to accomplish that goal, despite a few really challenging times last year. It’s Friday morning – and I’m feeling great…so far! I’m seriously hoping the worst is over now. If I make it through this day, I may call an official win on the cleanse. Weekend is coming, and I just hate how this cleanse has affected me socially. (Not taking dinner with others, etc.) I’m considering doing juices for breakfast and lunch Sat & Sun, but then having a healthy dinner (brown rice, veg, lean protein) just so I can sit at the table and join my family. We’ll see…

      • I absolutely think what you have accomplished is a win!
        If your goal was to achieve a physical and mental kickstart to eating healthily again then it only needs to last as long as it takes to achieve your goal!
        This needn’t be five days if you feel refreshed and healthy and able to make sensible choices while actually enjoying company and eating 😀
        In my opinion having juiced for two out of three meals is still a pretty big ask!

  2. Wow – I am amazed you’ve stuck at it. I would’ve dived under the duvet and ordered a takeaway, LOL!!! Seriously – you must have iron willpower. Well done – keep it up!! X

    • If I had stuck to the hardcore pure drinking of my nutrients, no way I would have made it Rose. I think my saving grace was allowing myself to eat the fruit and veg in addition to drinking them. As I noted to Sam I may move even further away from the ‘cleanse/juicing’ mode tomorrow and Sunday. For the weekend I’m considering adding brown rice and lean protein in. Maybe, maybe not. Will see how I feel. I mostly miss the social aspects of eating — like sitting with my family — and that will be that much harder on the weekend. Stay tuned…

  3. You’re my hero….longest I’ve every made it is two days. I think if the drinks tasted better – you know, more like chocolate chip cookies, I could last longer. Kudos!

    • Prior to this the longest I’d ever made it was 1.5 days – so you had me beat! 🙂
      I think that by adding the eating element versus just drinking my meals, that helped immensely. Day 5… I’m so close now!

  4. Wow, fantastic progress! I think we are going to try the 3 day version here pretty soon… Discovering intolerances can make such a big change in how you feel and think, it’s pretty exciting really. Last spring I finally acknowledged I had to cut all gluten from my diet and after the first two weeks of increased muscle aches, cramps, headaches, dry skin, etc. I haven’t looked back. I feel so much better with just this one change I don’t even crave GF versions of bread which shocks anyone who knows me. 🙂

  5. I don’t know how you get through this. If I don’t eat on a regular basis–solid food, not just liquids–I get headaches and sluggish. But if it makes you feel better when you’re done, then more power to you. At least you’re putting nutrients into your body. Some of these liquid fasts out there can be dangerous. Good luck, and try not to kill your husband! 🙂

    • Totally hear you on those crazy liquid fasts, Carrie. I did that Master Cleanse many years ago. That right there is bloody torturous. Never again!

      Day 5, and feeling really good. Loads of energy and very, very clear-headed. Methinks I’ve done something good for my body and mind, Monday & Wednesday’s hellish days notwithstanding. 😉

  6. Hey Nancy! Are you a glutton for punishment or what ??? hahaha! Honestly though, you are doing something really good for yourself so I am filled with admiration! Even if you don’t loose any more weight or reap any more benefits…just the act of doing it is powerful. Far too often we get locked into patterns and habits that hold us back and unless we challenge ourselves we sometimes never even know what we are capable of…sort of like your year of sweat right? So congratulations for another challenge… ~Kathy

    • Hahaha! I must be a serious glutton for punishment, Kathy! This week has be H.A.R.D!!! Cannot wait for today to be over, as I’ve already planned for some more ‘modifications’ that should make the weekend bearable. 🙂

      You’re right, I know that I’m doing good for my body. I’m actually shocked at how good I feel, physically, mentally and emotionally. The goal was to hit the reset button, and to that end, I feel like it’s mission accomplished!

      As always, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. They always brighten my day.

      • Dear Lord, don’t get me started!! I was shooting daggers through my eyes. If looks could kill, that man would be six feet under.

        Then last night he decides to make his homemade pizza. I nearly cried. His dough is amazing — and it’s just the lightest sauce, lots of basil, light on the cheese and then assorted gourmet toppings. He will pay for that. Trust me.

      • Secretly? HA! Could it be any more overt than that??
        Earlier today he sheepishly came upstairs (from his home office downstairs) and bonked me in the arm, winking and asking if he should make himself a bacon sandwich for lunch. I go, “So you read my post, huh?” He goes, “You make me sound so heartless!”
        uh…YES! 🙂

    • With a giant hamburger and fries. 🙂

      I’m really looking forward to reintroducing grains most of all. I don’t particularly miss meat, although I know I need to consume way more protein than I do regularly.

      I’m thinking brown rice, veg and a nice piece of salmon maybe. And also looking forward to a nice latte first thing Monday morning! 🙂

  7. You’ve inspired me – I’ve always wanted to do one of these detoxes, but I don’t think I have the will power. File under: giant maybe. That’s better than hell no right? Congratulations lady – keep up the great work!

    • Yeah, I’ve gotta say I’m pretty shocked at my resolve. In the past I would have thrown in the towel several days ago. Feels pretty cool knowing I’ve increased my patience and tolerance level for this kind of nonsense. 🙂

  8. Peanuts are sometimes the only thing that get me through being so hungry I want to wrestle a bear. I’m vegetarian and Diabetic so my food choices are really limited. Almonds work occasionally for me, but not always. Sometimes I just breathe through the being hungry until it’s time to eat and I can take my insulin. It’s very complicated. I’m hungry right now actually.

  9. Go Nancy! I’ve never managed to find a juice that didn’t taste like feet, so I’ve never stuck to a detox haha. You’re doing fantastically, almost at the end of the week. I do agree that when dieting it’s family meal time that seems the hardest. Sounds like you’ve managed to get a clear head though which must be great.

    • Trust me, I never could in the past either. I think my max length on a juicing/fasting thing was 1.5 days. I suspect it’s the fact that I’m also eating my fruit and veg that has seen me through to near the end of Day 5 (so far). Thanks for your support – it means the world!

  10. Nancy, I’ve never even considered something like this. MTM used to drink something I called Green Goo (I think it was something Odwalla), and I had to go in the other room. It made me ill to watch him drink it. I’ve always had that reaction to smoothies and such. I think it’s awesome that this is working for you. I always feel more clear-headed when I cut sugar, and I have more energy.

    • Yeah, in all honesty, I think if I had just – from the outset – said: no white stuff (sugar, breads, white rice, etc.) and just stayed with clean and as close to raw as possible, I would have had the same results. At the end of the day I’m sure it’s the elimination of dairy, grains and meat/fish that has ‘cleansed’ me this week. There was really no need for me to do it in liquid form. Lesson learned.

  11. So. proud. of. you! I did a fairly similar 12 day detox about 5 years ago…it was too CRUEL! I had the headaches, felt dizzy, moody, you name it. And lost almost 9 pounds in 12 days. And felt great at the end. Would need to do it again after all the “celebrations” of the season, but I’m chickening out…maybe when I read your next post, I’ll get the final kick to do …something in that direction 🙂

    • Thank you! It was really, really hard. I began introducing some “banned” food into my diet today, and I’ll do dome more tomorrow. Staying off red meat, sugar and alcohol for at least a few more days. Feeling great! Will post Monday to share details.

    • He has, since reading this post, sheepishly apologized for being so insensitive. Although he did spend the better part of Friday jokingly musing (aloud), “hmm, what shall I have…bacon sounds good..” At which point I would flip him the finger and/or say, Fuck off! The joys of being married for 26 years. 🙂

  12. I watched the same documentary and started juicing the end of December. I just juiced during the day and had a salad for dinner w/ a few ounces of chicken. After three days, the headache was gone and I was down nearly five pounds. I was ecstatic and figured I would just continue indefinitely, because I wasn’t having a lot of trouble with cravings and I have some weight to lose. I even tracked everything I drank/ate, because I was concerned about calories and nutrients (turns out, I was getting between 1000-1300 calories per day and saw that I needed to take a B and D vitamin, but everything else looked good).

    Flash forward to a week later. I was (dare I say it) looking FORWARD to getting on the scale — if I had lost five pounds in just three days IMAGINE where I was now! I practically danced my way to the scale…where I found out I had gained the entire five pounds back! It was a crushing disappointment — but I reminded myself I wasn’t juicing only to lose weight — I was doing it to be more healthy!

    By that night, I was coughing — the next day, I was so tired I could barely function. Flash forward another week and I’m STILL coughing and cannot breathe (and my weight remains the same — sigh).

    So, I don’t know if juicing is working on either front for me — but I’m going to keep it up. I know I’m getting more nutrients than I have in the past, I like the juices (for the most part), and it seems to have really helped with my craving for carbs and sweets. Maybe when I start feeling better and can exercise a bit, the weight loss will follow.

    • Hi Jana, thanks for stopping by, reading and contributing to the conversation! Sounds like your cleanse has been a bit of a roller coaster, to say the least! I hope you’re feeling much better soon.

      My final summary – recapping my week’s cleanse experience — will publish first thing tomorrow morning. You’ll see that juicing alone just didn’t do it for me. I had to eat the raw fruit and veg to make the 5 days bearable! Overall, I am really pleased with how I felt after my week of cleansing, and I think I’d definitely do it again.

      Will come check out your blog tomorrow. I’d love to learn more about you and your writing!

  13. Ah, can’t wait to hear your update from over the weekend. I absolutely do not know how you are doing this! But it’s awesome that you can feel your sinuses clearing up and just an overall clarity. I could use that, ha!

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  15. I bow down to you. You have the will of a..whatever it is that is full of will! When I am hungry I have to eat, even if I am not supposed to. At the hospital after my CS, I was advised not to eat right away but I bullied my best friend to sneak in Siopao and Ice cream. Hunger is death to me! LOL

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  18. I like the idea of a detox, but with vacation coming soon, I plan on indulging in toxic substances for a week. Maybe shortly thereafter, once recovered from my self-induced semi coma. Maybe.

    • I just thought that Joe’s documentary was so compelling that I thought I’d give it a try. How anyone manages to do that for 30 days (or more) is beyond me. My urge to chew is just too strong.

      Still, it was a nice little reboot following a little too much holiday indulgence.

      • I’m looking forward to some indulgence next week. My blog may seem less cohesive than normal – and that’s pretty bad. 🙂 I do like the idea of it, though. I remember reading that the Macaws of South America use clay in their diet to cleans their bodies of the toxins of some of the seeds that they eat. I’m not sure if I want to climb up on the side of a cliff and suck some clay, but maybe if it’s chilled and comes from my blender, I may consider it.

      • I’ll pass on the clay. Kale combined with strawberries and mangoes is more my speed. 🙂

        If you decide to juice or cleanse – please share details! Misery loves company.

      • I’ve been collecting a few links with recipes. Maybe after vacation we can have a cleanse challenge that that will certainly make for misery loving company. 🙂

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