confessions of a control freak

Apologies in advance. This post will be very brief because… I’m stuck.

I’m stuck both physically and mentally. The # on the scale is “stuck” (and that’s certainly not helping my state of mind any), but more importantly I’m stuck inside my own head. I know I need to really dig in and uncover all my baggage as it relates to body image and the need to strive for perfection. And I know that will leave me very vulnerable and exposed. For me, that sucks. Big time.

I’ve always been very controlled. One could say a control freak even. But let’s not. We’re friends, right?

A former co-worker, and still dear friend, Sarah, recently introduced me to Brene Brown, PhD, a researcher in sociology and author. Her TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability was perhaps some of the best 20 minutes I’ve spent in a long time.

If you have the time, I highly encourage you to have a look.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o%5D

Her message resonated with me on a visceral level.

I want to be more vulnerable, but I’m scared shitless to go there. I know that to really figure out how to be truly happy, satisfied with my life, and fulfilled, I need to let go and be willing to get scared and hurt in the process. And I also know that I need to be less afraid of what people think about all this. Way less. Like, waaaaay less.

I’m realizing now that it’s not enough for me to self-analyze and reflect, but be willing to expose myself, my insecurities, my fears. That’s the hard part. This blog has become the vehicle for that.

What started out as a journal of my daily workouts, to basically just keep me accountable to staying on track, has quickly become my version of a therapist’s couch. So, I’ve been inching nearer to it each day, to the point where I’m now sitting tentatively right on the edge.

I’ll lie down eventually. And I really hope you’ll all join me there. Shit is less scary when you’ve got friends surrounding you. (Note to self: This would have been a great thing to have realized when I was struggling alone at Fitness Ridge, despite the fact that I had one of my dearest friends right there with me…)

As for being stuck on the scale, not sure what that’s all about. I’ve just completed my 45th consecutive day of working out. I’m using a BodyMedia Fit device to track my calorie burn each day – so I’m confident I’m burning more than I’m consuming. I’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 months, but haven’t seen any movement on the scale in the past week.

Body Snark Free Zone Sign

Source: thelingerieaddict.com

I’m not freaked out by it (which is huge progress for me, by the way); but I am a bit perturbed that I’m not seeing more results for my efforts. Rather than over-analyze it, I’m going with, Hey, you’re building muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat, AND, muscle is a fat burner.

So eventually the short term (potential) weight equalizer/gain of adding muscle will pay off through the optimized fat burn that this muscle will drive. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

This will be a snark-free zone! (Ironic, coming from the snarkiest of the snarks…). Hence the need for that exposure and allowing myself to become vulnerable…

So I guess this post wasn’t as brief as I initially positioned it to be. But it is just the prequel so to speak. I’m easing my way onto that couch.

Get moving!

xoxo nancy

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6 thoughts on “confessions of a control freak

  1. You are very brave – and very strong! My numbers on the scale vacillate over the same 2-3 lbs, never really going down, but my body shape is definitely changing. Clothes fit way different – the scale is ok, but you can’t let it rule!
    Keep inching toward your GOALS (internal and external) ….I mean really, why else are we here?

  2. Nancy, I truly believe that scales are the bane of our existence. They’re on the floor waiting tor us to step on them so that we can judge ourselves based on the numbers. Fitness, strength, endurance and health … that’s the good stuff. And I’m sure your clothes are getting looser all the time because you’re banishing fat and working hard for muscle. It’s hard to deal with the sabotage tapes that play in our heads so drown them with your playlist while you’re running because you’re a runner now … and an inspiration!

  3. Pingback: Divas Also Sweat. …And Other Lessons the Russian Princess Taught Me | My Year of Sweat!

  4. Pingback: Paying it forward | My Year of Sweat!

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